I listen to music weird and in my ears, just one question when my dream will end. the music doesn’t leave me weird because I’m still looking for an answer to whether it’s worth living or maybe giving up and not waiting for someone to save you. though 30 minutes or something will come and raise me out of sadness and despair.

I am still drowning in the same mire of self-pity and anxiety and it is hard for me to pull myself out of all this spam again and again …. sometimes all I have left is waiting for me to die because no one seems to need me even myself ….. .and again strange music overwhelms me because I’m tired of being seen as a smart person and I have no right to make mistakes ….

although mistakes and anger overwhelm me from day one, and I get angry when I, as a smart person, have to control my illness while others can do what they want and how they want. although I know I’m not a superhero, but sometimes you’d like all the negative characters to disappear …. and sometimes that organic hatred seems to some people when you barely hear the voice of a “screaming pig” the whole body strains and already bad thoughts spin in your head. and all your goodness and wisdom shall flow through the chimney.

I need peace because of the behavior of some characters I go over thin ice again …. and I feel that what I go through is a desert that I would not envy and envy anyone ….. I don’t know what my disease is or I push myself because I can’t forget yesterday’s physical pain and self-blame ….. and what “screaming pigs” everything went and passed for her ….. and hurt me the most …..