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Druskininkai Vilnius Trakai Rudiskes

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living library, me, and some night Vilnius

feeling insecure

I want it all over, my non-security leads me to blackness and violence against myself and others.

I need a space where I felt safe and welcome as my world loses grip and meaning. I understand that I am sick and sometimes I have to reject people who are dear to me and myself.

the last few weeks have been an amen hell I’ve been researching to overcome alone, but I don’t remember almost anything and that’s the hardest thing.

my feeling of insecurity leads me to blackness but well that I got away without the hospital and now I feel good enough ….. just or for a long time ….

strange world (desire to escape)

my world is currently full of strange thoughts and strange desires.
I began to fear myself and my actions towards other people again. now I feel like blackness is flooding me again, and for some time now I can do nothing with it.
I was particularly devastated by those four months of isolation when nothing could be done, and it had been going on for some time. at that time I became angry and willing to destroy myself and others. I realized that it was time for me to go to the hospital, although if I survived these days I would live on …
I try to string myself, my world, thoughts, and emotions. I am trying to discover that spark that would lead me on the path of life. that is why I sit by the pond and try to find everything I lack – peace, the

wanderer travels (waiting for a birthday)

I would like to spend my birthday somewhere outside the boarding house because I really miss friends and the freedom that was once dear to me.
I hope that there will be no need to do nonsense or come to terms with the inevitable fate, and the authorities will allow us to go to another city

and today I learned that the quarantine is being extended until the end of the month, so my fears have come true again ….
I don’t know if there will be opportunities to get my birthday here, but apparently something will have to be invented so that I don’t feel alone and lonely.

I have been going crazy for a long time and no authority no matter how I feel and live, all this BS has not made sense for a long time, and there is only a desire to hurt everything and escape, in the true sense of the word, from the boarding house ….

I don’t feel good knowing that my “light” friend which I haven’t seen in a long time, words don’t come true and I will be left alone with my anxiety and sadness ….

but maybe, where-where is the hope that everything will change and I will be able to see them all, but the longer that hope goes away and the more and more trembling legs walk …..
there was little to wait, but also so much: – /

jealous, hate, change

when you think about it, only the ashes of glory are left of my life. that I wish I would not change my future so easily and all that was left were the memories of travel and nomads.

somehow with one person from my boarding house, we started talking about travel around the world and digital nomads, which is a distant dream for me to be, and I envy them….

I envy the freedom they have to travel around the world, to be where you just dream, to work at the moment when and how they want. to have what I once had, and now for ten years, I have been traveling only in my mind. but fate sees that the time will come I will not leave anything here and move where I want and how I want to travel… ..

jealous but not now, now is the time to stop and breathe…. maybe I sat too long but I know I need to give everything and give thanks and ask for it to be better and according to God’s will

morning

morning which is not expected to dawn
the day is not for me and not my
words stuck in a corner of thought
life alien black and white

a closed wanderer is looking for a way out
books closed there is no hope
peace in the future and now only pain
pain in the heart and distant homes

alien world alien thought
words that remained stuck in the throat
foreign languages are no longer interesting
here ends being and death in slut

emptiness

today I feel empty and don’t understand what’s going on with me. I know my plan is good and realistic but how much it will cost me effort and patience.
I know I have to leave everything here, all the comfort, respect, and discounts you make me here.
diving into the unknown will be difficult, but necessary because here I feel like I am losing more than I discover. it will be hard to lose friends and normal life, it will be hard to lose my life friend …. but apparently, I’m ready for that.

I think a lot about zarasai vs veisiejai, but the more I think about it the less willing I am to move towards the goal. of course, ignorance scares me, but whether the goal is worthy of that fear of living on the border between blackness and reality I will come out healthy …

I’ve been here a long time …..

I have been here a long time ago, I have been writing here for a long time. just, lately, I’ve been trying to focus on the things that matter to me, the projects, the video channel, and the creation of poetry.

now a lot of thoughts are flying in my mind and some things will come true, some will remain just a thought but now though closed this is maybe the best time to dedicate to creativity.

and a lot of sleepless nights chasing me, a lot of everything I was afraid of and still scaring, chasing me …. but life flows don’t stop it’s important not to stop me …..

you’re leaving

neither good nor goodbye
you go out into the distance and did not wait
like I have not been near near
you promise to come back just go out

you promise to come back you go
you leave a colicky imprint in the mind and heart
gather items remain only a shadow
and not in demand or I wait for you

you do not need words to depart quietly
and it pains me to you to lose as
if I did something not so
recklessly go out don’t wait

quietly nor hello nor goodbye

the two most difficult days

Easter is probably the hardest holiday of my life because I am left alone with my demons and a life that leads nowhere.

sometimes it seems that not only the holidays but the whole life is too far too slow and no one.
in my presence, I have always been surrounded by people and communion, both with friends and with the community of believers. I miss the sense of community and the people who would help me live.

time to be

finally, it’s time to be yourself, not afraid to make mistakes, not afraid to get sick, and not afraid to seek help.
it’s time to be mistaken and admit your mistakes, it’s time to be stupid, smart, and finally, it’s time to be back.

I know my life is not and has not been easy and what I felt or feel while living in a boarding house is a mistake. I am still a patient, a man with both power and disability. yes, my intellect makes me feel vulnerable, but it’s time to admit that anything can turn in the path of human error.

it’s time to be open with myself and others who want to help me … so I need help and sorry for sometimes abusing your kindness.

please forgive me for not being sensitive to your efforts, but finally, it’s time to say I’m weak, sick and I need you.

sometimes

sometimes you are and will be betrayed and betrayed
sometimes those who were your “friends” put you under a wave of illness and you begin to doubt your stupid humanity and brotherhood.

sometimes you will be halfway there
you will have to choose between your beliefs or throwing everything in the trash …. or you will have to get angry and burn in it for a whole week, a month, or a year …. you are halfway between yourself and him (which is apparently not worth your attention)

… or ….
or continue to do good, and not close in the pain that other people bring you. they do not know your path, and through what obstacles you walk.

… but ….
sometimes kindness pays off, even though you will be betrayed alone, but it seems to me that everything is undercompensated …. and I really, I have a new “gang” that I think will appreciate my goodness, and if not it doesn’t matter to me anymore …. I still I will not change for something, and I will be useful, good, and necessary for someone …

weekend

finally, the day has come when you can relax and “hear yourself” again ….. finally it all comes down to shelves and drawers and it seems to me that it was the most stressful week of these few months of the year.

though the weekend, but I want more movement and tension that would make me forget the boarding house, the quarantine, and the despair I live in now.

it all started, filming for the 15min.lt project, the producer of which surprised me with his insights, issues that even made me think … Video premiere, already this Saturday ….

today, the Living Library online, I felt a little lonely when I split into rooms, but after the format changed to a discussion, it became easier for me because then I might ask myself a question. and see other “books.” and I liked that discussion format the most and was my own, although the change in formats will be a bit challenging ….

a little late with the NMFX TV channel, but if all goes well tomorrow, I promise to upload 2 clips …. I don’t want to make excuses, but the whole week, as I said, was a crazy roll

Vivaldi