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Druskininkai Vilnius Trakai Rudiskes

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living library, me, and some night Vilnius

weekend

finally, the day has come when you can relax and “hear yourself” again ….. finally it all comes down to shelves and drawers and it seems to me that it was the most stressful week of these few months of the year.

though the weekend, but I want more movement and tension that would make me forget the boarding house, the quarantine, and the despair I live in now.

it all started, filming for the 15min.lt project, the producer of which surprised me with his insights, issues that even made me think … Video premiere, already this Saturday ….

today, the Living Library online, I felt a little lonely when I split into rooms, but after the format changed to a discussion, it became easier for me because then I might ask myself a question. and see other “books.” and I liked that discussion format the most and was my own, although the change in formats will be a bit challenging ….

a little late with the NMFX TV channel, but if all goes well tomorrow, I promise to upload 2 clips …. I don’t want to make excuses, but the whole week, as I said, was a crazy roll

what makes me go

many things in my life (like all) have turned around, but many more dreams and plans make me move. sometimes I stop dreaming and living, but life never stands still …

I notice that I have been feeling a lot of anxiety lately, from myself and others, sometimes it seems that that anxiety bubble will swallow you alive …. and the environment doesn’t really help you stay positive.

but you create a celebration in your life yourself, and you enjoy life no matter what around you … and if a year has passed when I live more than one, then maybe for me it will be an experience for the rest of my life ….

what keeps me moving is the desire and the dream, to travel when the time comes, to move forward and see what I never thought I would see again …. life is an opportunity, take advantage of it.

freedom (second day)

somehow I am not left with the slight feeling of paranoia that things will end soon.
today I am already used to feeling and feeling good enough, physically, emotionally and spiritually …. now I am waiting for a meeting with the 15min.lt filming team.

anyway, for now, everything looks good and I hope it stays that way for a long time.

not a secret

not a secret

… and they were right, but are you sure ….. I know we’ll be back to our old places soon, and the old problems will break up again, with an old friend. but or really, because I’m already getting restless that the gang will start their marches again and I’ll start paying attention to really alien lives again.

but when you think about whether I need it, and I know again that it will be a test (like all the time) that I may not pass again …. I already get anxious when you think that everything that was and has been separated for almost a year will start all over again. but I don’t want to interfere and make old mistakes that were just a difficulty for me and others.

maybe the director of the boarding house will not look so casually anymore and things will be different but I don’t want to ruin life either for him or for myself …. although sometimes you would.

I know I can be annoying when you need to benefit me, I have already learned the hard way but I don’t seem to complain or hesitate no one will pay attention ….

but about it next time

perfect, imperfect

my world has not stopped burning for almost four months, I am tired of doing something to create and suffer. sometimes it seems to never end, and I will not stop burning and sighing headlong, against my beliefs and values of life.

maybe things will end soon and I will be able to recover and regain my strength again, maybe soon I will not be an anchor and a problem …. maybe someday I will prove that I am more normal than when I am in a burning world ……

everything stopped and lost its meaning, I want to cry and destroy my four-seater “world”, where I have been stuck for almost a year …. creativity and sites have stopped, everything has hit the wall of meaninglessness, where I seemed to be stuck myself ….

I cry again and repeat as my thoughts and feelings have sharpened. I started to feel and feel surrendered again, even though I realize that things should someday (somehow) end.

the one who makes the “waves”

I’ve been going crazy lately, and everything puts me under a black wave. today I realized that I no longer want to be where I am now, both physically and spiritually, and emotionally.

today I realized that it is not in vain that I feel like a traitor because wherever I appear, the speech falls silent and an uncomfortable silence begins. this insulation tore me off the roof, and I realized I could easily find myself in the office, and I lacked the strength and desire to fix and change something. we return to the situation and perception of 2013 again …..

I am the only one who causes “waves” and discomfort because, in reality, I want to end up in an institution ….. I want my isolation to end somehow even though I have to deal with it myself and need to review myself and my life again.

I know what I know I’m an uninhabitable and sudden outburst of emotion, I don’t want anything but to go back to my “cave” and start all over again …… I know I’m walking through a glass pit which maybe to myself I dug up. I am uninhabitable, I confess, it is true and everyone and everything, and most of all me, suffers from it.

everything disappears under that black wave or pit from which I am trying to get out, or maybe I am not trying but just, I gave in to emotions and I want to be in that pit again ….. although, no one will spare me and I will not be able to choose ….

those different…

I am different, how hard it is to admit it, I am different …
but when you think about it, I create my own and others ‘worlds, my otherness, illness, and health …. desire to knock and peace, I create my own and others’ world ….

I would no longer want my blackness stages to affect other people – my roommates, friends, and staff, but most importantly I want to stay healthy and alive myself ….

my world is different, every morning is a treasure, prayer, and the rising of the sun, which I would not exchange for anything.

my world is different

a long time ago I realized that I was different and my world was different … but only now I realized how different it is ….
almost 10 years in the boarding house, and again everything is not going in the direction when I would like to throw everything here in Lithuania and embark on my journey, a lifetime and more

I know that after a pandemic the whole world will no longer be what it was and my world is no longer mine.
I am a wanderer and I lack air again when I am isolated and I can’t get on my way …. when the whole world goes crazy but I don’t want that …..

maybe I’m a stupid dreamer, but I still believe in the goodness of the world, I still believe that not everything is lost yet and a clear morning will dawn after a nightmare night

I can’t or don’t want to

For 4 months I am locked in my inner shell, in a corridor where there is no peace and rest, sometimes it seems that everything is again just a dream that has lasted …..

I can no longer suffer from those closed doors and the isolation I am in now … although I have a computer in the library, and I feel a little looser, but the “waves” are constantly being raised because of my presence here and going to smoke on the first floor.

i can’t understand how other characters (i won’t mention who) can migrate after all the floors it does all sorts of nonsense and I still have to be closed …. why some can do what they want and others have to follow the rules.

I don’t want to be one of those who go against the system, but I want more and more to destroy everything …. rules and procedures that are already starting to annoy me

I don’t want to be guilty even though sometimes I am guilty just because I am …. I don’t want to be perfect even though I have not lived a perfect life in my past and now I want to prove that I can live perfectly even though it costs me anxiety and a lot of effort. just, the stone I put on my shoulders is my desire to prove that I can and want, even though I live in a spiral – a circle in a circle …. between black and white ….

but about it next time

destruction and the desire to live

again, it all starts at the beginning, sometimes it seems that all this nonsense will never end. sometimes it seems like I’m going crazy because there’s little left until freedom (?) and the unrest overwhelms me again.

I don’t seek attention, but it looks like I might commit suicide, jump out of the balcony, or escape from the boarding house …. sometimes it seems like the roof is going, just because that wait for the second injection and the promised freedom seems so unattainable.

I know that in doing so I will only prove how unstable and unhealthy I am because everyone is tense and waiting for it to end.

I now realize that there is hope, but to put in some desires or plans is foolish because things can turn upside down in a couple of weeks. I want everything to be finally over and I could go back to my cave soon …. I get tired of living in fours because sometimes it seems like everything was just invented to destroy me…..

I don’t know

my freedom around the corner and more and more questions ask me what I will do with it ….

for sure, I don’t know and I don’t have specific plans for freedom, just let it be jazz …. because things can change in my country.

sometimes this is the case when you plan and put hope in the opposite direction ….

big and small (my love)

I can no longer live without my girlfriend, without little Virga.
when you are chosen, you are in charge of a small world, but I feel that it is much more, finally something I need. for someone who won’t let me go so easily ….

but my world has finally taken on meaning and essence, finally, my big world is needed by someone because she and I are somehow similar and I will never exchange it for something else ….

although I know everyone laughs at our friendship but it doesn’t matter to me, it doesn’t matter anymore. for so it was and will be, everywhere and always.

but, we will continue to be big and small, and for some reason, I feel that way

when the walls do not press

finally came the good, or almost good, news. finally we will be vaccinated against the virus. i don’t know if it’s true, but my mood has improved and the walls are no longer pressing.

there is little left to make life easier, even though there are no sick people with us, but you still wish there were none.

or it will be a different world, so it will be different …. it will take a long time before things get back on track. but I’m glad there’s news, maybe rumors, but the walls are no longer pressing. it is easier to live and live a life where everything will be …. there will be a town, a lake, a forest, a museum and other things that relaxed me ……

Vivaldi