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My Travels so far [2021]

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Druskininkai Vilnius Trakai Rudiskes

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living library, me, and some night Vilnius

Miles Beyond “POP Conductor” (Review)

producer Miles Beyond has created an interactive mashup machine where the chat room becomes a DJ and creates its own combo…..

Four colors, different vocals with heat addon, single track selectable
Four colors, different instrumentals, selectable second track with heat addon

At a certain point, everything merges, and a combo comes out, which sometimes turns out amazing, sometimes OK, but always gives a result that can be improved because we created it…

every Tuesday Bootie Mashup’s Raid Train

I like it, but it’s worth staying awake (5/5)

#sleeplessnights

today is another sleepless night….. sometimes it seems like it will never end.

music and poems, I understand that I have and want to sleep, but the full moon drives me to despair. all I do is smoke and drink coffee…

it’s not for good, but the desire to be part of the gang drives me far into #sleeplessnights…. something ignited a motor in me, and when I left the “Living Library” I needed it….

what’s left for me is a virtual world where you can’t hear me, in that world I’m valued and talked to as an equal Bootie Mashup and PDSMix bring me the things I miss…..

audio novel

the idea of my first audio novel – how music affects life, especially mine as a person with schizophrenia….
… I would dive into it to sound the soundtrack of my diary of blackness, which has accompanied me for eleven years and still accompanies me…
my lives were full of “strange music” both in my head and in my life……
next week, the brainstorming and writing work starts, and by the September “paycheck” when I buy the mic, I should have the script written…..so fifteen days to go

DCD and being part of something big

today again, after a while I was at DCD (Dance Commander Disco) and I remembered the old days of the pandemic again when it used to save me from going crazy.

this time, I felt accepted and understood again, no matter who I am, it is essential for me to feel part of the gang. especially when the world is falling apart and I have to give up my dreams.

all my memories returned, in a good way, I felt understood and myself again…..

Thanks to DCD and DJ Tyme for making it all back, although it’s another night and another sleepless night, so be it.

What to watch on twitch.tv (my pick)

These channels should (not) appeal to everyone, and since I have a free week, I can spend a 12-hour marathon listening to everyone and whatever I like.

BootieMashup ->
iWillBatlle ->
Miles_Beyond (POP Conductor) -> twitch.tv/miles_beyond
DJ SQWRL ->
PDSMIX (also on Fridays and Sundays) ->
Dj Jules Scott -> twitch.tv/julesscottdj
The NexrMen ->

why

why am I forced to be a positive character when I can’t get out of someone’s head? that woman who forced me to use violence uses my last name as a curse word.

and it drives me crazy…
sometimes I want to hit her again because she seems like she’s trying to get me out of my temper but I know for sure she caught me but didn’t catch me.

why do I have to seek help and treatment, why do I have to visit a doctor and a psychologist, and why do I have to be an intelligent assertive character when others can do whatever they want?

yes, I have a lot to do to prove my resilience and will to survive but the question is for how long and why should I…..
I feel that I’m wasting my energy on something I shouldn’t, but how can I get up and get up when the patient can do whatever he wants, and I’m being threatened by Rokiški and other things, why I’m being treated like an animal.
But about that another time.

alive and kicking

I have no choice but to pay the price I deserve. although I reconciled with that woman, I don’t feel guilty as much as I should.
I know, I used too much force and could have gotten away, but two patients collided here and now I feel so bad that she caught me but didn’t defeat me.

what happened after that is my price although it is not a solution. running away is not a solution, but sometimes proof of concept that I can and don’t care.

it seems to me that I will still face a few months or half a year for violating the rules of the boarding house, but I don’t care what and how, it is much more critical for me to recover and rebuild.

maybe in a psychiatric hospital, perhaps life will change and I will overcome my nature, but it is unlikely to happen….. I will have to use the experience of other people, and about that next time

refugee, foster home, and consequences

I know I earned it and I will have to pay the price, but I proved to them what a fool I am, but I proved to myself that I can be pissed off until the ground grabs.

I know that woman won, and I will have to somehow avoid all this because again the full moon and the psyche can come to anyone, and I am already paying the price – a price that I will remember for a long time.

all the time I have various thoughts and plans in my head, but I will never calm down when the discounts that they give me now come at this price….
I know there are many eyes on my life and my room, but I don’t want to give up and I will do everything in my power to stay calm (again)

caring

today I came to the conclusion that I will never calm down because I was isolated. isolated because he’s afraid, and I partly understand why, but it’s hard…

today I understand that I am no longer destined to live the life I lived before because summer is my time, which I want to spend as I want, with whom I want, and where I want…

and suddenly I realize that I can’t move from the place, and apparently, they will “take care” of me until my death 🙁

…. suddenly, I run out of words, and they think that I am still angry and did not realize what they are doing and doing to me. and they offer me the “way out” of going to the hospital….

and what (why) will be better for me there?

my life (here and there)

my life will never be calm and normal.
I have a defect that is my curse and my blessing, that defect will not give me peace no matter how much I fight it.

sometimes it seems that my life is full of imaginary enemies that I can’t live without, but I want to ask, is it really?

some colleagues, due to their illness, imprison me where I feel bad and cannot communicate with other friends. and then I raise questions that annoy the government, because I want to live a safe and simple life, as I understand it.

another thing, I feel that everything – I was and am problem number 1, because I have sensitive vision.

in the corner of thoughts

i feel like I’m a wanderer in my mind and sometimes in life i have to test myself. though nothing is remembered, only the crumbs of the music and the faces of the people float out of the corners of the mind.
thoughts and memories will arise or not, and I have a hard time remembering what and how.

I am a stroller, I have been and will remain so, I know that they want good for me, but do I need that good ….

my world is different (remember)

sometimes it seems like I am living a normal healthy life, but sometimes I am reminded that this is not true.
I am always reminded no matter how much power I have anyway my life is different.

last week’s seizure and current tension still reminds me that I am sick and that as much as I would like, my world is sick and different.
i don’t know what’s going on but my illness is coming to a stage where i can’t control it. my disease is only progressing, sometimes it seems that even in my independent life, there will be fear and anxiety when I have to learn to control everything and “not to run in the field”

not random people

sometimes it seems that I have contributed nonsense myself, but you meet people who are not accidental sources of inspiration in your life ….

I remember almost nothing from my first day, but I remember the student’s insights and that feeling I haven’t felt in other people in a long time. that feeling is called pride and peace.

the other day I met cyclists traveling around europe who inspired me to move towards my goal all the time. a long “drunk” conversation, and the feeling that we will stay away from each other, through the intsgaram and jealousy that I am locked up here ….

my aching legs hurt, I don’t remember half of my trip, and I’m afraid things will be different, I’ll postpone my trips for a few months. because things need to be reviewed. heal your mental and emotional state ….

just need to take a break and watch what happens next