I’m tired of wandering this 70-step “can” and waiting for some miracle to help me deal with emotions and mental state.
I get tired of seeking help when everything that is and is expensive, disappears under the virus or tactlessness or unwillingness to work. I know we’re all overwhelmed and I feel more and more like the shit of a fucking screw.
I’m tired of waiting for things to end because it seems to me that it will end so easily, neither for me nor for others. I want to move on somewhere further again, even though I know it’s impossible, but I’m really looking forward to it.
I’m tired of waiting for some good news, even though everything is so turned into noise that you don’t know what’s real, and what’s just the “cry” of social media is as everything now seems like just a bubble blowing, and no one will see who and how much they earn (will earn).
70 steps drive me to despair and I once thought of jumping from the balcony where I am now sitting and writing this scribble. I am driven to despair by the fact that my friend A.D finds himself in isolation, even though he had no strong contact anywhere to get infected. I think it’s a mistake and that the test was wrong, even though no one wants to tell the truth. Or maybe just, they aren’t, and my friend, the conspirator, is (was) right.
I’m tired and don’t know what to do next, sometimes it hurts me, sometimes (like now) I go crazy. I don’t know what the world will be like tomorrow because already today things are going nowhere, and I don’t want to end everything without looking at what will be next – and anything can be further
I wanted to write this article a long time ago, I thought long ago about my illness and the life situation I got into …..
I know there are a lot of people in this world who would envy me the place I am now but not about that I am here. I don’t know whether to curse or bless my mom who stood between two fires and maybe saved me from the worse future I could have ….. you see, I lived on both sides of life. I lived a wandering, a vagrant, a luxurious life, but I always felt unsafe for some reason, then I lived the life of a patient in a psychiatric institution …..
already soon 10 years when I live in a boarding house, and here again the problems, joys and worries of my life …… my life has become sedentary, at all costs, and mentally morally and spiritually …… sometimes it seems to them all we don’t matter (I’m not talking about pandemic fatigue due to the virus) but sometimes you wonder why some characters behave the way they want and you have to follow the rules. sometimes you want to do something stupid that they wouldn’t expect from you ……
in the last few days, I have realized many things about my relationship and the life I am in now. I realized that people needed to be given space, so my mom decided not to call her anymore and not communicate with her if she didn’t want to. and I still understand the main thing, you will not choose your parents ….. you will not choose the behavior and desire of those people to destroy yourself ….. it is already my father’s choice and I can only pray and thank God that everything has turned in this direction. I realized that the Breeders are my fortress from which I do not want to leave, because here, no matter how hard it is to live, I found myself not in vain …… I realized that God gave me another chance not to live and not end up in prison after doing something bad, or not waiting for tomorrow at all …… many people have told me that you will not run away from yourself ….. and this has given me the understanding and testimony that anything is possible and everything will go out for me (us) for good because with God it must always be so.
I feel like I’m falling more and more into the pit with that virus thing. I feel like I need stronger help than I am getting now even thinking about the institution. but everything is already crowded, I read that already 95 percent of the beds are occupied by virus patients …..
and what to do for those who, like me, are hooked in that whole circle of mental disorders who are locked up in boarding houses and cannot move and engage in activities that bring them relief …. I feel that desire to end everything in suicide because now I feel that pit in which how people have noticed, I have buried myself since the beginning of all quarantines ….
I know the whole world is suffering, but I don’t excuse me, but right now I need to survive on my own ….. and maybe it will sound selfish, but now it’s time for either me or me.
yesterday I attended a zoom meeting on mental health. it was an interesting conversation to hear other people’s stories, even though I know some of them from previous Human Library events and happenings. I have no academic knowledge of psychiatry and mental health, I spoke from my own experience and anger, frustration, and desire to be and see how others will see …..
although everyone says that everything was fine, it seems to me that with my hyperactivity I bit the stick a bit …. I can’t believe that I overcame my fear of online, even though I work with the internet myself ….. I’m glad I could say something to introduce others to us the world. I realized that my principle of “sharing is caring” is my weapon against other people’s fears and misunderstandings. I’m glad I was a part of it, waiting for the video, and seeing what and how will happen next.
when you think about it, people dear and annoying surround me. sometimes those dear people are too dear to me to run them, though sometimes I feel misunderstood by them. but there are others who try your patience and emotional state sometimes bypassing them, sometimes getting stuck. now I am learning to bypass them because again I experienced a break which the staff supported by my mistake. although as the sister said it is all chemistry, a burst of dopamine which I probably needed to feel better again …..
now I have my life put in quotes, I don’t witness but I’m a little scared …… scared of a zoom conference with young people who may not understand my quotes world. my world can be quoted now and then again because I am afraid that the world will never be what it was, maybe I will repeat it but everything will be different ….. everywhere now full of quotes, even where there was a freedom there are obstacles that are now harder to overcome …. sometimes you would like to go to the lake or to the park ….. sometimes you want to give up everything and earn a fine for not wearing a mask I don’t follow social distance ….. you just want the old life to come back to life and all those stupid rules and restrictions disappear …. so that we can finally get rid of the quotes
tomorrow is the day when the further closure issue will be decided. although there is a little hope, everything can be the other way around. though there is hope she has small crooked legs, but she is.
now I realize that everything is for my dryness, but when my disease climbs over the roof, I don’t know if that storage is helpful. although I read that most people experience the same thing I do, but like all the time my troubles are closer to you …..
today at least partial sleeplessness awaits again ….
sometimes it seems that everything I touch becomes part of my story-experience.
today I realized that all this closing chunk had to happen to know how strong I was, how much fear and hatred I had for myself.
today I realized that I have enough of everything I need inside of myself, although sometimes it seemed that everything is not worth the effort ….. I know this is my experience, although I suspected that I would live bad enough but that I would not have imagined it so bad …. everything I have will not end so easily, although a further locking plan will be decided next week. hope everything comes back to rhythm and rhyme again. but there is still a week left that can be any and any like
I’ve never had a hard time like this week when I’m closed in a 70 step box …. the roof goes up when you don’t know how and when things will end. lately, I have had many dreams in which I pour frustration on my life here and now. that I beat something, that I run and go somewhere …. just, such a life in a box doesn’t give me peace of mind.
next week is coming and again everything will be the same ….. I’m going crazy again, it’s raining again, maybe it’s already snow …. again nothing will change and I will have to suffer again, how everyone around is suffering ……. but it doesn’t warm me.
it’s the third day I’m locked up and now I’m not looking for the dead because I know the whole world is suffering.
when the relatively first days were the cruelest, but I finally got rid of ….. I have to suffer because everyone is suffering …. today I was doing a COVID test, I am terrible but at the same time calm because I can be healthy for the fifth time because I kept and I follow all the rules, no matter how strange they may be.
I gave up nocturnal medication because now I sleep well both day and night ….. and sometimes in a moment of weakness, I feel like I can put myself in trouble ….
you know if you could get out of the experiment after the weekend. but the more I would like to go back to my cave, but at the same time I would like to invite someone to stay with me
I am now in the quarantine zone and knew the price I would have to pay for it. I knew and I knew that if we could no longer live the way we wanted, and there would be a mystical hammer again, I would try to be in such an experiment again
it hurts that I don’t have to smoke, but now I have calmed down and I will try to prove that they were wrong, in fact, everything will be visible after a week or two… ..