how hard it is to look at yourself with your own eyes. today, when freedom is so close, it’s hard to comprehend what and how you survived. trying to resurrect your life and rise to an old (new) reality. you will need to learn to travel, listen, and understand the people around you again. there is a day left until I regain my freedom, but to be honest, I waited too long and don’t know what to do with it
i can’t be what i am not and who I am is a lost self-seeking being. still looking for answers to life questions about blackness and a healthy world.
i can’t be what others consider me to be. I do not see my world in the eyes and colors of others lost in feelings, I can’t be myself – overcoming the wall I hit again, overcoming obstacles in my mind and thoughts again
they will remind me, everywhere and always, what was and what will be… .. but for me with my family not on the way… ..
I want to get back into the world of vagrants from which I was imprisoned in Veisiejai, I want to take all the money, the computer, some clothes and leave again without saying anything.
I slept all day today, trying to find excuses for the Flame my mother had driven on me, and I couldn’t find one. I have a hard time remembering and I feel changed, which is why I need to be reminded of the past I am ashamed of
why the person I still thought was my “mother” is still haunting me, and whether I will have enough power for the rest of my life. I know that everything must have ended between us a long time ago, but I was late ……
but if you can’t say anything good or encouraging, even though you’ve only seen me a couple of times in the whole year while I’ve lived without you…. how do you bother reminding me of what it was because you don’t know how it is….
it’s hard for me to tame the feeling that my dad isn’t there, it’s hard to realize that the person is buried and the feelings flooded me just at the best time … a lot of everything, the simple things that bind us now are gone, although I don’t remember there were many of them, but if things were different. if the world would allow me to forgive him and myself. I was there, and I wanted to sink underground, just, now I need to control myself, and not give up, because I’ve been without a psychiatric hospital for three years now, and for me it’s a lot. i don’t want to go back there but i also don’t want to stay here ….
I recently went to Klaipeda and met my sister, I accidentally asked about my father’s health, and I found out that he had absolutely nothing …. and then dreams came back, dreams of me beating him, and I feel blood on my hands that really isn’t … it hurts that everything is coming back again, i am afraid to fall asleep because i feel again that everything is falling apart i need the support and help that cost me so dearly again.
sometimes no one seems to need my life, not even myself. I live on a very fragile line, although everyone tells me it’s up to me and I’ll get over it
but my world burns, I don’t know how to overcome everything, because other people drive me to madness. another person’s illness forces you to look for healthy people, but to find them anywhere, here in a boarding house
it’s hard to see a sick person who was once part of your world, your neighbor, or a “colleague”. it’s hard to see the other person’s world fall apart and the blacks take over.
you feel like a traveler of this world, you are overwhelmed by strange lives even though you have always sworn to yourself that you will not live a strange life …. but a strange life lives in you.
somehow lately I’ve been lucky enough to get back old projects, even this one, I already thought everything was lost, but the night tribe has recovered and is moving on. now i have more work and jobs, everything seems to be my own through the fog, but I didn’t come back long before …..
it’s very hard for me to report that until the new year, I’m temporarily leaving the podcast, for things that matter to me. I live in a rather difficult time, my father’s cancer, my mother’s hysteria, my new boarding house, my writing, and publishing ….
I need to reload, get myself back and take a break from the work I did or should have done … I will try to assemble myself but it will be hard and it will take time. I am also thinking of making an annual technology fast, probably by the end of the month, and coming back with new ideas and thoughts not only for the podcast but also for my videography ….
today I realized that I needed help that they would not give me. I decided to go to a psychiatric hospital and try to recover and myself and my strength there…
I understand that it will not be easy to ask for a referral to Novo Vileiska, and that the doctor will be angry at me, but let him decide my fate….
I can’t sleep or dream weird dreams about a fight with a father who had surgery for stage 4 brain cancer… sometimes I feel the blood that isn’t on my hands…. just, sometimes afraid to fall asleep because all thoughts and anxieties try to attack me in the evenings when there is no action.
The “quarantine” quarantine is also not easy, everything looks strange and the feeling that I (us) will be locked in the corridors again, explodes me from the inside. it seems that disasters are crossing one by one through my tired brain, and either I will be healed (with the help of a stranger) or everything will be over.
… That day, I feel anxious and don’t want to be alone in my own. sometimes it seems that everything goes “shabah” no matter how much I want to growl and I can’t stay “healthy” all the time talking to staff or social workers….
will the doctor give me a new phase of life, or will I finish everything myself?
someone wants to stop me from healing and recovery. something reminds me again and again of how unpredictable and stupid I am. stupid that I try to live my life no matter where it takes me. I try to discover my way of life and not listen to the opinions and chatter of others. strange music and blacks again somewhere nearby, conflict after conflict, word afterword and I somewhere …. somewhere I shouldn’t be, somewhere where I’m not myself. and by the way, sugar won’t help here anymore