emptiness

— Posted inrants and raves — 1 min read

today I feel empty and don’t understand what’s going on with me. I know my plan is good and realistic but how much it will cost me effort and patience.
I know I have to leave everything here, all the comfort, respect, and discounts you make me here.
diving into the unknown will be difficult, but necessary because here I feel like I am losing more than I discover. it will be hard to lose friends and normal life, it will be hard to lose my life friend …. but apparently, I’m ready for that.

I think a lot about zarasai vs veisiejai, but the more I think about it the less willing I am to move towards the goal. of course, ignorance scares me, but whether the goal is worthy of that fear of living on the border between blackness and reality I will come out healthy …

I’ve been here a long time …..

— Posted inrants and raves — 1 min read

I have been here a long time ago, I have been writing here for a long time. just, lately, I’ve been trying to focus on the things that matter to me, the projects, the video channel, and the creation of poetry.

now a lot of thoughts are flying in my mind and some things will come true, some will remain just a thought but now though closed this is maybe the best time to dedicate to creativity.

and a lot of sleepless nights chasing me, a lot of everything I was afraid of and still scaring, chasing me …. but life flows don’t stop it’s important not to stop me …..

you’re leaving

— Posted inofftopics, writings library (eng/lt) — 1 min read

neither good nor goodbye
you go out into the distance and did not wait
like I have not been near near
you promise to come back just go out

you promise to come back you go
you leave a colicky imprint in the mind and heart
gather items remain only a shadow
and not in demand or I wait for you

you do not need words to depart quietly
and it pains me to you to lose as
if I did something not so
recklessly go out don’t wait

quietly nor hello nor goodbye

the two most difficult days

— Posted inrants and raves — 1 min read

Easter is probably the hardest holiday of my life because I am left alone with my demons and a life that leads nowhere.

sometimes it seems that not only the holidays but the whole life is too far too slow and no one.
in my presence, I have always been surrounded by people and communion, both with friends and with the community of believers. I miss the sense of community and the people who would help me live.

time to be

— Posted inrants and raves — 1 min read

finally, it’s time to be yourself, not afraid to make mistakes, not afraid to get sick, and not afraid to seek help.
it’s time to be mistaken and admit your mistakes, it’s time to be stupid, smart, and finally, it’s time to be back.

I know my life is not and has not been easy and what I felt or feel while living in a boarding house is a mistake. I am still a patient, a man with both power and disability. yes, my intellect makes me feel vulnerable, but it’s time to admit that anything can turn in the path of human error.

it’s time to be open with myself and others who want to help me … so I need help and sorry for sometimes abusing your kindness.

please forgive me for not being sensitive to your efforts, but finally, it’s time to say I’m weak, sick and I need you.

sometimes

— Posted inrants and raves — 1 min read

sometimes you are and will be betrayed and betrayed
sometimes those who were your “friends” put you under a wave of illness and you begin to doubt your stupid humanity and brotherhood.

sometimes you will be halfway there
you will have to choose between your beliefs or throwing everything in the trash …. or you will have to get angry and burn in it for a whole week, a month, or a year …. you are halfway between yourself and him (which is apparently not worth your attention)

… or ….
or continue to do good, and not close in the pain that other people bring you. they do not know your path, and through what obstacles you walk.

… but ….
sometimes kindness pays off, even though you will be betrayed alone, but it seems to me that everything is undercompensated …. and I really, I have a new “gang” that I think will appreciate my goodness, and if not it doesn’t matter to me anymore …. I still I will not change for something, and I will be useful, good, and necessary for someone …

weekend

— Posted inrants and raves — 1 min read

finally, the day has come when you can relax and “hear yourself” again ….. finally it all comes down to shelves and drawers and it seems to me that it was the most stressful week of these few months of the year.

though the weekend, but I want more movement and tension that would make me forget the boarding house, the quarantine, and the despair I live in now.

it all started, filming for the 15min.lt project, the producer of which surprised me with his insights, issues that even made me think … Video premiere, already this Saturday ….

today, the Living Library online, I felt a little lonely when I split into rooms, but after the format changed to a discussion, it became easier for me because then I might ask myself a question. and see other “books.” and I liked that discussion format the most and was my own, although the change in formats will be a bit challenging ….

a little late with the NMFX TV channel, but if all goes well tomorrow, I promise to upload 2 clips …. I don’t want to make excuses, but the whole week, as I said, was a crazy roll

what makes me go

— Posted inrants and raves — 1 min read

many things in my life (like all) have turned around, but many more dreams and plans make me move. sometimes I stop dreaming and living, but life never stands still …

I notice that I have been feeling a lot of anxiety lately, from myself and others, sometimes it seems that that anxiety bubble will swallow you alive …. and the environment doesn’t really help you stay positive.

but you create a celebration in your life yourself, and you enjoy life no matter what around you … and if a year has passed when I live more than one, then maybe for me it will be an experience for the rest of my life ….

what keeps me moving is the desire and the dream, to travel when the time comes, to move forward and see what I never thought I would see again …. life is an opportunity, take advantage of it.

freedom (second day)

— Posted inrants and raves, writings library (eng/lt) — 1 min read

somehow I am not left with the slight feeling of paranoia that things will end soon.
today I am already used to feeling and feeling good enough, physically, emotionally and spiritually …. now I am waiting for a meeting with the 15min.lt filming team.

anyway, for now, everything looks good and I hope it stays that way for a long time.

not a secret

— Posted inrants and raves — 2 min read

not a secret

… and they were right, but are you sure ….. I know we’ll be back to our old places soon, and the old problems will break up again, with an old friend. but or really, because I’m already getting restless that the gang will start their marches again and I’ll start paying attention to really alien lives again.

but when you think about whether I need it, and I know again that it will be a test (like all the time) that I may not pass again …. I already get anxious when you think that everything that was and has been separated for almost a year will start all over again. but I don’t want to interfere and make old mistakes that were just a difficulty for me and others.

maybe the director of the boarding house will not look so casually anymore and things will be different but I don’t want to ruin life either for him or for myself …. although sometimes you would.

I know I can be annoying when you need to benefit me, I have already learned the hard way but I don’t seem to complain or hesitate no one will pay attention ….

but about it next time

perfect, imperfect

— Posted inrants and raves — 1 min read

my world has not stopped burning for almost four months, I am tired of doing something to create and suffer. sometimes it seems to never end, and I will not stop burning and sighing headlong, against my beliefs and values of life.

maybe things will end soon and I will be able to recover and regain my strength again, maybe soon I will not be an anchor and a problem …. maybe someday I will prove that I am more normal than when I am in a burning world ……

everything stopped and lost its meaning, I want to cry and destroy my four-seater “world”, where I have been stuck for almost a year …. creativity and sites have stopped, everything has hit the wall of meaninglessness, where I seemed to be stuck myself ….

I cry again and repeat as my thoughts and feelings have sharpened. I started to feel and feel surrendered again, even though I realize that things should someday (somehow) end.

the one who makes the “waves”

— Posted inrants and raves — 2 min read

I’ve been going crazy lately, and everything puts me under a black wave. today I realized that I no longer want to be where I am now, both physically and spiritually, and emotionally.

today I realized that it is not in vain that I feel like a traitor because wherever I appear, the speech falls silent and an uncomfortable silence begins. this insulation tore me off the roof, and I realized I could easily find myself in the office, and I lacked the strength and desire to fix and change something. we return to the situation and perception of 2013 again …..

I am the only one who causes “waves” and discomfort because, in reality, I want to end up in an institution ….. I want my isolation to end somehow even though I have to deal with it myself and need to review myself and my life again.

I know what I know I’m an uninhabitable and sudden outburst of emotion, I don’t want anything but to go back to my “cave” and start all over again …… I know I’m walking through a glass pit which maybe to myself I dug up. I am uninhabitable, I confess, it is true and everyone and everything, and most of all me, suffers from it.

everything disappears under that black wave or pit from which I am trying to get out, or maybe I am not trying but just, I gave in to emotions and I want to be in that pit again ….. although, no one will spare me and I will not be able to choose ….