those different…

— Posted inrants and raves — 1 min read

I am different, how hard it is to admit it, I am different …
but when you think about it, I create my own and others ‘worlds, my otherness, illness, and health …. desire to knock and peace, I create my own and others’ world ….

I would no longer want my blackness stages to affect other people – my roommates, friends, and staff, but most importantly I want to stay healthy and alive myself ….

my world is different, every morning is a treasure, prayer, and the rising of the sun, which I would not exchange for anything.

my world is different

— Posted inrants and raves — 1 min read

a long time ago I realized that I was different and my world was different … but only now I realized how different it is ….
almost 10 years in the boarding house, and again everything is not going in the direction when I would like to throw everything here in Lithuania and embark on my journey, a lifetime and more

I know that after a pandemic the whole world will no longer be what it was and my world is no longer mine.
I am a wanderer and I lack air again when I am isolated and I can’t get on my way …. when the whole world goes crazy but I don’t want that …..

maybe I’m a stupid dreamer, but I still believe in the goodness of the world, I still believe that not everything is lost yet and a clear morning will dawn after a nightmare night

I can’t or don’t want to

— Posted inrants and raves — 2 min read

For 4 months I am locked in my inner shell, in a corridor where there is no peace and rest, sometimes it seems that everything is again just a dream that has lasted …..

I can no longer suffer from those closed doors and the isolation I am in now … although I have a computer in the library, and I feel a little looser, but the “waves” are constantly being raised because of my presence here and going to smoke on the first floor.

i can’t understand how other characters (i won’t mention who) can migrate after all the floors it does all sorts of nonsense and I still have to be closed …. why some can do what they want and others have to follow the rules.

I don’t want to be one of those who go against the system, but I want more and more to destroy everything …. rules and procedures that are already starting to annoy me

I don’t want to be guilty even though sometimes I am guilty just because I am …. I don’t want to be perfect even though I have not lived a perfect life in my past and now I want to prove that I can live perfectly even though it costs me anxiety and a lot of effort. just, the stone I put on my shoulders is my desire to prove that I can and want, even though I live in a spiral – a circle in a circle …. between black and white ….

but about it next time

destruction and the desire to live

— Posted inrants and raves — 1 min read

again, it all starts at the beginning, sometimes it seems that all this nonsense will never end. sometimes it seems like I’m going crazy because there’s little left until freedom (?) and the unrest overwhelms me again.

I don’t seek attention, but it looks like I might commit suicide, jump out of the balcony, or escape from the boarding house …. sometimes it seems like the roof is going, just because that wait for the second injection and the promised freedom seems so unattainable.

I know that in doing so I will only prove how unstable and unhealthy I am because everyone is tense and waiting for it to end.

I now realize that there is hope, but to put in some desires or plans is foolish because things can turn upside down in a couple of weeks. I want everything to be finally over and I could go back to my cave soon …. I get tired of living in fours because sometimes it seems like everything was just invented to destroy me…..

I don’t know

— Posted inrants and raves — 1 min read

my freedom around the corner and more and more questions ask me what I will do with it ….

for sure, I don’t know and I don’t have specific plans for freedom, just let it be jazz …. because things can change in my country.

sometimes this is the case when you plan and put hope in the opposite direction ….

big and small (my love)

— Posted inrants and raves — 1 min read

I can no longer live without my girlfriend, without little Virga.
when you are chosen, you are in charge of a small world, but I feel that it is much more, finally something I need. for someone who won’t let me go so easily ….

but my world has finally taken on meaning and essence, finally, my big world is needed by someone because she and I are somehow similar and I will never exchange it for something else ….

although I know everyone laughs at our friendship but it doesn’t matter to me, it doesn’t matter anymore. for so it was and will be, everywhere and always.

but, we will continue to be big and small, and for some reason, I feel that way

when the walls do not press

— Posted inrants and raves — 1 min read

finally came the good, or almost good, news. finally we will be vaccinated against the virus. i don’t know if it’s true, but my mood has improved and the walls are no longer pressing.

there is little left to make life easier, even though there are no sick people with us, but you still wish there were none.

or it will be a different world, so it will be different …. it will take a long time before things get back on track. but I’m glad there’s news, maybe rumors, but the walls are no longer pressing. it is easier to live and live a life where everything will be …. there will be a town, a lake, a forest, a museum and other things that relaxed me ……

welcome to 2021

— Posted inrants and raves — 1 min read

someone said you are the blacksmith of your life but now I want my little dreams to come true and that I can finally start all over again …..

I believe in vaccinations, and this is maybe the only way to get things moving …. I believe in people, and this year I would like to discover something close to me again – activities, trips, finally anything ………..

I know it can be worse and as I joke it will always be because of that kind of person ….. I believe things will get better and better …….
finally, that this year will finally bring me peace of mind, self-confidence, and that I will discover the desire not to destroy myself …..

anger and enemies that are absent

— Posted inrants and raves — 1 min read

you remember when you told the story of a “broken musician” … today I realized that we are not on our way together, and sometimes in search of enemies where there are none, he leads me to blackness …
today I realized that we are different people, and if I say that, we are truly such.

when you think about it, you’re constantly tense and waiting for a blow from your “enemies,” so I guess he can’t fall asleep and he needs pills. or maybe he was so empathetic to his role that it couldn’t be any different. or i am trying to change irreplaceable things ….

you see, I know I’m not on the road with him, and then I’ll try to communicate with him as little as possible, even though I don’t like to do that. but it affects me more and more ….

I understand that, maybe it’s his illness, but why does it have to affect me …..

about my illness [2013]

— Posted inrants and raves — 2 min read

It’s hard for me to talk about my illness because a lot of memories flood me in but I will try.

The first feeling is you don’t know what’s going on with you. Just, you are aiming, you are wandering because someone in your mind is constantly telling you to do it. Pain and a complete “bombshell” in my head.
The uncertainty led me to my first stage of the hospital.

The second feeling is uncertainty and fear.
Let’s start with the fear… I was afraid of losing myself, my creativity myself because during my madness I wrote the best texts. I was afraid of losing my madness – the engine of my creativity.
Let’s end with denial, just a stupid belief that I can recover without drinking medication without going to the doctors. Simply, denying everyone and everything… Sometimes I was asked for help or talked to those around me but it was more screaming and proving my truth… aggression that brought me to the second circle of the hospital…

The third feeling is aggression. In the second round of the hospital, I often beat those around me. Dad especially. When you became sensitive to everything, when every word from his or my mother’s lips ignited a bonfire in my head, everything then started and could continue all day… and in the evening. While they were being called, they closed me again.

Fourth feeling – I enjoyed getting sick. Really, when you reflect on everything, I enjoyed getting sick.

Be free to do what you want. I liked to be out of control and out of control because I’m “stupid” and I can do anything.

The fifth feeling is the hospital. I liked those short moments of “waking up.”
I liked the hospital because there I felt protected from others, from my madness and other problems….