destruction and the desire to live

again, it all starts at the beginning, sometimes it seems that all this nonsense will never end. sometimes it seems like I’m going crazy because there’s little left until freedom (?) and the unrest overwhelms me again.

I don’t seek attention, but it looks like I might commit suicide, jump out of the balcony, or escape from the boarding house …. sometimes it seems like the roof is going, just because that wait for the second injection and the promised freedom seems so unattainable.

I know that in doing so I will only prove how unstable and unhealthy I am because everyone is tense and waiting for it to end.

I now realize that there is hope, but to put in some desires or plans is foolish because things can turn upside down in a couple of weeks. I want everything to be finally over and I could go back to my cave soon …. I get tired of living in fours because sometimes it seems like everything was just invented to destroy me…..