about my illness [2013]

It’s hard for me to talk about my illness because a lot of memories flood me in but I will try.

The first feeling is you don’t know what’s going on with you. Just, you are aiming, you are wandering because someone in your mind is constantly telling you to do it. Pain and a complete “bombshell” in my head.
The uncertainty led me to my first stage of the hospital.

The second feeling is uncertainty and fear.
Let’s start with the fear… I was afraid of losing myself, my creativity myself because during my madness I wrote the best texts. I was afraid of losing my madness – the engine of my creativity.
Let’s end with denial, just a stupid belief that I can recover without drinking medication without going to the doctors. Simply, denying everyone and everything… Sometimes I was asked for help or talked to those around me but it was more screaming and proving my truth… aggression that brought me to the second circle of the hospital…

The third feeling is aggression. In the second round of the hospital, I often beat those around me. Dad especially. When you became sensitive to everything, when every word from his or my mother’s lips ignited a bonfire in my head, everything then started and could continue all day… and in the evening. While they were being called, they closed me again.

Fourth feeling – I enjoyed getting sick. Really, when you reflect on everything, I enjoyed getting sick.

Be free to do what you want. I liked to be out of control and out of control because I’m “stupid” and I can do anything.

The fifth feeling is the hospital. I liked those short moments of “waking up.”
I liked the hospital because there I felt protected from others, from my madness and other problems….