a cup of coffee and a miserable trip

— Posted inTravels — 1 min read

I never complained about my travels but finally realized that the year was making its own, and I became more like a cup of coffee than a wanderer ….
that even after last week’s travels, I got more tired than I expected, even though the six hours lost on the road triggered like an empty cup of coffee … it’s all just a pointless wander.

but those lessons I still need next time, not to burn out, and to feel the rhythm of my past life, even though I know I’m not young and I’m starting to shave, but I need it …..

I promised not to travel without money, but apparently, I won’t endure for a long time …… but maybe others will stop me …..

now or never

— Posted inrants and raves — 1 min read

I started analyzing my health deteriorations and realized that I was hurt by being with other, four or three people. you see, I was never part of a gang, and I lived a life of solitude and alone.
realistically, I needed to find or discover ways to be one among people. I needed that help after the first months of winter quarantine, but what I needed was not available.

I’m looking forward to tomorrow and then the issue of my return to the “cave” will be resolved, I don’t know what that solution will be, but I hope for the best.

I know I need fasting from technology and other things that keep me from living quietly but I can’t. I can’t back down when I have commitments and responsibilities (from which to rest). and I think I will rest being alone

lost in translation

— Posted inrants and raves — 1 min read

neither here nor there, as if insane, plunging into the unknown, and everything I leave here is precious and my own.

sometimes I want to escape from stupid and stupid situations that sometimes don’t bypass me.
and everything that has been here will remain here but there are important changes for me and life in my understanding and freedom that I will probably not get here, and sometimes it seems to me that that journey will not begin so easily.

and I, like a fool, will seek answers, lost in translation and in myself

I know because I want to

— Posted inrants and raves — 1 min read

there will be no way back and I need it like air.
dive into unknown waters, but it might be a way to hack the system and move towards your life I get tired of living with those I have a problem with, everything is moving and I am waiting

for who I don’t know around the corner, but life won’t be what it was anymore, and I’m looking forward to it.

test

— Posted inquotes and sayings — 1 min read

I don’t know where or when but everything crumbles in my little world. it’s hard to understand and forgive myself because I’m trying to deceive myself and escape from a reality I’ve been stuck in for some time.

I feel cheated, I try to run away from myself and look forward to when it gets better, but it doesn’t and won’t get better. I learn from my mistakes but mistakes enough that no one will forgive me.

I run away from myself because I want pokkyčiai but I dive into the unknown that scares me. but maybe there I will find myself and myself.
strange music, quick thoughts, finally wanting peace and security

the end of a sad day and waiting for when

— Posted inrants and raves — 1 min read

yesterday I celebrated my birthday and it was one of those sad days but today I realized that I have friends here who are dear to me and my own.

now all that was left was waiting for when it would be better and when I would move to the town and other places outside the boarding house. sometimes life here seems to freeze into a solid block of ice.

the journey to a new home seems to never expand, although the boarding school authorities say everything is happening, my status and the courts do not know when it started and how it will end.

to be or exist

— Posted inrants and raves — 1 min read

be when everything that interested or entertained you bounced back into the existential wall where you have to decide – you or they … when you live with people who cause you problems, you are looking for answers sometimes through the blackness, sometimes through barns …..

I have had to apologize lately to many people who have tried to show me their kindness, and I have not been able to see and understand it through my illness.
maybe the disease is not to blame here, but when it “burns” you’re looking for something that will put you out at all costs … and then everything doesn’t matter

to be or exist
I feel like, in a few of these months, I lost more than I discovered … I exist in an endless spiral of disease and there is no way I can get out of it … and then my blackness overwhelms and doesn’t let go and the loop strangles me to infinity …

will you resurrect me?

— Posted inrants and raves — 1 min read

lately, I feel lonely and alone, though surrounded by people and sounds but I only feel emptiness.

will you resurrect me when everything in me is a mad fire of flame and restless anticipation of the end?
will you resurrect me when everything falls apart and I will not see myself?
will you resurrect me when no one, no words will be uttered to you when you are an enemy when it seems to me that a world without colors?
will you resurrect me when I still blame myself for things I once did or didn’t do, after ten years I will still be looking for a mother?
will you resurrect me when I want to dissolve in someone’s arms and wait for the blacks to still haunt me …..

will you be near when it will be so hard for me and I commit suicide …. will you resurrect me

feeling insecure

— Posted inrants and raves — 1 min read

I want it all over, my non-security leads me to blackness and violence against myself and others.

I need a space where I felt safe and welcome as my world loses grip and meaning. I understand that I am sick and sometimes I have to reject people who are dear to me and myself.

the last few weeks have been an amen hell I’ve been researching to overcome alone, but I don’t remember almost anything and that’s the hardest thing.

my feeling of insecurity leads me to blackness but well that I got away without the hospital and now I feel good enough ….. just or for a long time ….

strange world (desire to escape)

— Posted inrants and raves — 1 min read

my world is currently full of strange thoughts and strange desires.
I began to fear myself and my actions towards other people again. now I feel like blackness is flooding me again, and for some time now I can do nothing with it.
I was particularly devastated by those four months of isolation when nothing could be done, and it had been going on for some time. at that time I became angry and willing to destroy myself and others. I realized that it was time for me to go to the hospital, although if I survived these days I would live on …
I try to string myself, my world, thoughts, and emotions. I am trying to discover that spark that would lead me on the path of life. that is why I sit by the pond and try to find everything I lack – peace, the

wanderer travels (waiting for a birthday)

— Posted inrants and raves — 2 min read

I would like to spend my birthday somewhere outside the boarding house because I really miss friends and the freedom that was once dear to me.
I hope that there will be no need to do nonsense or come to terms with the inevitable fate, and the authorities will allow us to go to another city

and today I learned that the quarantine is being extended until the end of the month, so my fears have come true again ….
I don’t know if there will be opportunities to get my birthday here, but apparently something will have to be invented so that I don’t feel alone and lonely.

I have been going crazy for a long time and no authority no matter how I feel and live, all this BS has not made sense for a long time, and there is only a desire to hurt everything and escape, in the true sense of the word, from the boarding house ….

I don’t feel good knowing that my “light” friend which I haven’t seen in a long time, words don’t come true and I will be left alone with my anxiety and sadness ….

but maybe, where-where is the hope that everything will change and I will be able to see them all, but the longer that hope goes away and the more and more trembling legs walk …..
there was little to wait, but also so much: – /

jealous, hate, change

— Posted inrants and raves — 1 min read

when you think about it, only the ashes of glory are left of my life. that I wish I would not change my future so easily and all that was left were the memories of travel and nomads.

somehow with one person from my boarding house, we started talking about travel around the world and digital nomads, which is a distant dream for me to be, and I envy them….

I envy the freedom they have to travel around the world, to be where you just dream, to work at the moment when and how they want. to have what I once had, and now for ten years, I have been traveling only in my mind. but fate sees that the time will come I will not leave anything here and move where I want and how I want to travel… ..

jealous but not now, now is the time to stop and breathe…. maybe I sat too long but I know I need to give everything and give thanks and ask for it to be better and according to God’s will

morning

— Posted inwritings library (eng/lt) — 1 min read

morning which is not expected to dawn
the day is not for me and not my
words stuck in a corner of thought
life alien black and white

a closed wanderer is looking for a way out
books closed there is no hope
peace in the future and now only pain
pain in the heart and distant homes

alien world alien thought
words that remained stuck in the throat
foreign languages are no longer interesting
here ends being and death in slut