to be or exist

be when everything that interested or entertained you bounced back into the existential wall where you have to decide – you or they … when you live with people who cause you problems, you are looking for answers sometimes through the blackness, sometimes through barns …..

I have had to apologize lately to many people who have tried to show me their kindness, and I have not been able to see and understand it through my illness.
maybe the disease is not to blame here, but when it “burns” you’re looking for something that will put you out at all costs … and then everything doesn’t matter

to be or exist
I feel like, in a few of these months, I lost more than I discovered … I exist in an endless spiral of disease and there is no way I can get out of it … and then my blackness overwhelms and doesn’t let go and the loop strangles me to infinity …

Join the Conversation

  1. Hi, sorry if this sudden comment or peep from a stranger makes you uncomfortable. Just want to send you some support and encouragement. You can accept, you can reject. No problem. It’s a democratic world.

    I admire your courage and good heart to push away people because you don’t want to hurt them with your darkness. And, it’s also very hard sometimes to receive kindness that are shown to you from your loved ones. I have pushed them away too in the past, and have felt apologetic, yet, even until now, I couldn’t open completely to accept them with fear of spiralling them into my vortex of troubles and darkness and “illness” (I was always feeling extremely tired, lacking of energy, and I didn’t dare to explain to anyone for fear of being judged as finding excuses and lazy which will damage further my lost sense of identity and low esteem). It’s a long period of struggle that will not go away, for my case. This looking forward to resolution seems like a forever process, one milestone kept leading to even more challenges ahead. Like the story of “Pooh”, that character of donkey that’s constantly down and depressed. I couldn’t live up to the expectations (or self-imagined expectations) of being well as soon as possible, and therefore I assumed I will always be letting people down. So, for many years I was a loner, a self-justified loner.

    I didn’t know the journey was so long… it’s almost 2 decades for me. But please do not worry, because I am a snail, most people are not. I relied on religious teachings and practices to get through and set my goals during the hermit-like caveman-like period. I am sure you will be able to find your source of strength and support too. The universe is full of abundant positive energies. Have faith and be open to love in its purest form from around you. I wish you well and the perseverance to bite through and emerge stronger, wiser, and happier, and accumulate your own light that illuminate yourself, and others. 🌱🌵🌻


Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *