the idea of my first audio novel – how music affects life, especially mine as a person with schizophrenia…. … I would dive into it to sound the soundtrack of my diary of blackness, which has accompanied me for eleven years and still accompanies me… my lives were full of “strange music” both in my head and in my life…… next week, the brainstorming and writing work starts, and by the September “paycheck” when I buy the mic, I should have the script written…..so fifteen days to go
why am I forced to be a positive character when I can’t get out of someone’s head? that woman who forced me to use violence uses my last name as a curse word.
and it drives me crazy… sometimes I want to hit her again because she seems like she’s trying to get me out of my temper but I know for sure she caught me but didn’t catch me.
why do I have to seek help and treatment, why do I have to visit a doctor and a psychologist, and why do I have to be an intelligent assertive character when others can do whatever they want?
yes, I have a lot to do to prove my resilience and will to survive but the question is for how long and why should I….. I feel that I’m wasting my energy on something I shouldn’t, but how can I get up and get up when the patient can do whatever he wants, and I’m being threatened by Rokiški and other things, why I’m being treated like an animal. But about that another time.
I have no choice but to pay the price I deserve. although I reconciled with that woman, I don’t feel guilty as much as I should. I know, I used too much force and could have gotten away, but two patients collided here and now I feel so bad that she caught me but didn’t defeat me.
what happened after that is my price although it is not a solution. running away is not a solution, but sometimes proof of concept that I can and don’t care.
it seems to me that I will still face a few months or half a year for violating the rules of the boarding house, but I don’t care what and how, it is much more critical for me to recover and rebuild.
maybe in a psychiatric hospital, perhaps life will change and I will overcome my nature, but it is unlikely to happen….. I will have to use the experience of other people, and about that next time
I know I earned it and I will have to pay the price, but I proved to them what a fool I am, but I proved to myself that I can be pissed off until the ground grabs.
I know that woman won, and I will have to somehow avoid all this because again the full moon and the psyche can come to anyone, and I am already paying the price – a price that I will remember for a long time.
all the time I have various thoughts and plans in my head, but I will never calm down when the discounts that they give me now come at this price…. I know there are many eyes on my life and my room, but I don’t want to give up and I will do everything in my power to stay calm (again)
my life will never be calm and normal. I have a defect that is my curse and my blessing, that defect will not give me peace no matter how much I fight it.
sometimes it seems that my life is full of imaginary enemies that I can’t live without, but I want to ask, is it really?
some colleagues, due to their illness, imprison me where I feel bad and cannot communicate with other friends. and then I raise questions that annoy the government, because I want to live a safe and simple life, as I understand it.
another thing, I feel that everything – I was and am problem number 1, because I have sensitive vision.
i feel like I’m a wanderer in my mind and sometimes in life i have to test myself. though nothing is remembered, only the crumbs of the music and the faces of the people float out of the corners of the mind. thoughts and memories will arise or not, and I have a hard time remembering what and how.
I am a stroller, I have been and will remain so, I know that they want good for me, but do I need that good ….
sometimes it seems like I am living a normal healthy life, but sometimes I am reminded that this is not true. I am always reminded no matter how much power I have anyway my life is different.
last week’s seizure and current tension still reminds me that I am sick and that as much as I would like, my world is sick and different. i don’t know what’s going on but my illness is coming to a stage where i can’t control it. my disease is only progressing, sometimes it seems that even in my independent life, there will be fear and anxiety when I have to learn to control everything and “not to run in the field”
sometimes it seems that I have contributed nonsense myself, but you meet people who are not accidental sources of inspiration in your life ….
I remember almost nothing from my first day, but I remember the student’s insights and that feeling I haven’t felt in other people in a long time. that feeling is called pride and peace.
the other day I met cyclists traveling around europe who inspired me to move towards my goal all the time. a long “drunk” conversation, and the feeling that we will stay away from each other, through the intsgaram and jealousy that I am locked up here ….
my aching legs hurt, I don’t remember half of my trip, and I’m afraid things will be different, I’ll postpone my trips for a few months. because things need to be reviewed. heal your mental and emotional state ….
just need to take a break and watch what happens next
sometimes it seems to me that I will not escape all this nonsense so easily. today I realized I was wrong about some of the people around me. fate, to live here when everything is bored and wants change and new reality.
shelter, I will never be able to be myself no matter how hard I try to escape the system. the watchdog will always keep me from moving on, accommodation projects maybe well, but that’s not a move.
i want to deal with my capacity, but i don’t know if they’re interested in helping me, but here’s another language, a different story.