today i’m looking forward to tomorrow …. i don’t know how to survive but maybe things will work out for good

thinking about my psyche and the anxiety I have to endure. moving to a double room is an option, but I can’t imagine how I could live with another person.
I’ve been living alone for too long.

I called my youngest sister today and wanted to talk about this. she told me not to get up and suffer because it could be worse. but I’m tired of it and my mental illness is getting worse and worse.

I do not know what will happen next. I’ll try to work with my psychologist on this. we will see what conclusions I draw.

looking forward to tomorrow, there will be movement and noise …. looking forward to being useful and helping myself and other

king hobo

  I don't know why it hurts
thinking about the past when you do not believe in miracles
when everything was just there
and again the road calls away

pain and desire to get in
don't think about anything on the road
to be once again a king hobo
some backpack on shoulders world under foot

but this reality remains
The House Not The House and  you want to escape
tense fields may have moved  

a continuation of yesterday’s story

the noise and the waves managed to get some sleep … and before lunch I slept well enough, the headphones helped me withstand everything yesterday.

now the noise maker is quiet, apparently himself asleep, well let him sleep. today i feel good and at peace .

sleepless night (again)

a sleepless night was again moving away
further into the tired mind
waiting for silence and peace again
rather I only get a scourge of noise

wants to beat and not control
but that’s not what I live for
look forward to pray and believe
that somewhere hiding peace

I’d give it away today
for an hour of sleep and quiet
to make the night end soon
and I could start all over again


 maybe it's time to calm down
when all that's left is memories
and long-distance dust on shoes

maybe it's time for reconciliation
that everything is just a dream for the eyes
only a desire to wake up and a troubled reality
knocking on the wounded mind

maybe it's time to not think
and leave everything to fate
only the gods do not listen to the deaf
and I dive deep into the blackness 

sleepless night

have a cigarette, have coffee … I can spend the night without sleeping. work to plan my travel goals and plans.
hopefully tomorrow will be better weather, at least in Vilnius.

today is a day full of preparation, take a shower, get clothes and so on …..
there is still a lot of paperwork to bear, and the most important thing is to get a disabled person’s certificate
i hope the trip doesn’t extend and i manage my business ….

To Be Continued

anxiety and lost time

sometimes I feel like I’m freezing this time and the dream won’t end. sometimes it seems that everything that is and will be (or was) my past and future somewhere far away.

I try to live my life but anxiety attacks me again and again. sometimes it’s hard to be in one place or do your favorite things
schizophrenia and anxiety a deadly combination that gives me no rest and I know that I will be addicted to medication for the rest of my life. sometimes my black and white world never seems to change.

you see, there are two sides to my illness, intelligence and illness. intelligence can be high but the disease takes its own. seeing my intelligence people don’t see my disease …. but about it next time.

dowry and life

I was never attached to anything, I was never dependent on anything. this is what the wandering life taught me.
sometimes I seem to get caught in someone’s dream and dream with my eyes open.
I am now dependent on the people around me, other residents, staff, and team members.

I live in a boarding house where things are weird and disturbing. anxious and difficult to be independent when the rules change every minute.

although my life here is good enough and peaceful I miss my old life when everything was clear or you will survive dependent on you.

I know there are situations that would envy such a life but I don’t envy myself …. I want to get out of here and go on a journey of a lifetime

the thing that doesn’t help

I know how difficult it is to change other people’s opinions and attitudes. sometimes it seems like you won’t go anywhere with your emotions …. sometimes it seems like the world will never change.

but you will change.
I always wanted to change others, my mom, my drunken father, or my neighbor but I never wanted to change myself. but the world teaches in a life-changing way ….
now I know – I need to change my attitude.
sometimes neglect, sometimes silence, sometimes gaze.
pride and self-exaltation will never help.
never change the world first do not change yourself

[quote] Rob Siltanen

“Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.”
― Rob Siltanen

weekly works and thoughts

a couple important things await me this week.
trip to Vilnius, and finally the night dances were restored. but about it after all.

I feel sick, cough and cold do not calm, sometimes it seems that I should cancel everything.
I wanted to meet with my mom, but somehow weirdly she refused, and in practice, my hopes of seeing her were zero.

i want to try to get back into the event loop but it needs to start all over again ….. a busy week though its beginning and slower than always