now, about a month we locked down in social care home…. it’s hard and stressful time for my mental state again and again I go nuts about quarantine and that freedom that i used to now under lock…. sometime i think that all this time is checking for my emotion, now in my CAVE, and 3 more rooms remodeling for isolator…..

i know, that aftert some time they lifted restrictions and i can do a normal life. but noe is time for change, and unity….

virus, bannhamer and my life

I don’t know how it will all end, the virus, the banhamer and this whole story.
I’ve been here a long time ago and I don’t want to complain right away.
but the whole period of self-isolation drives me crazy, the banhamer crosses painfully, even parcels cannot be received,

my home, like the whole world, is going crazy, but there is already talk of quarantine easing, but we as a risk group, I think, will stay under the banhamer.

I don’t know what to think, how to endure everything, but life no matter what it moves in its own furrow.
although some people don’t understand how hard it is to lose the freedom you could ever take advantage of …..

but about it next time

strange feelings (virus and me)

I am locked in my home like the rest of the world, but I feel like my mental health is showing its claws. sometimes it seems like i can overcome self-isolation and stay calm but sometimes it seems like my whole house of cards is gushing without stopping

I know that healthy people are also affected by information and fear. the whole world suffers and closes, but for us things are sharper and more terrible.

I’m not saying I’m special about something, but all the things I love are lost and I lose my desire to do something.
today I have been sleeping all day, and tonight I have a sleepless night. although i get medical help but i’m calmer but i still go crazy

I’m tired

I’m still isolated and don’t really know how to survive all this quarantine.

I know that I am not one, many people are affected by depression and anxiety. I know it’s serious when people die ….

the noise and the panic that engulfed the whole world drove me crazy from this cruel and gloomy information. I don’t want to be a part of it but I can’t avoid it because all the media is filled with that information.

during those two weeks I got tired of what was important and interesting to me. all day long I look at the walls and I go crazy silently ….. now my only wish is to fall asleep and get up when all is over.
I was afraid of myself, I was afraid that the stroke would come when I was least prepared for it, and the help would not come on time, though the home medical staff promised to help me as much as I could ….
I know there are bigger problems in the world and lack of help here and there. I still waiting for the quarantine to end.

you need to be ready for anything and get out of your mind and go back to it …..

the desire for freedom

created to love others
the music strangely sounds louder and louder
freedom here and somewhere far away
all surrounded by dark blacks

I got stuck somewhere on the edge of the world
life stopped and nothing was left
just a silent wait for the end
and the prayer that everything will end soon

only the running roof remained
and the world goes crazy
locked prisoner and troubled thoughts
the wait for freedom and the music weird 

when the music sounds weird

 when the music sounds weird
the old world gives no peace
and a new one somewhere far away
the mind and thoughts run away

anxiety visits me again
I am alone I will remain
death will show who is right
love will clear the tired soul

when the music sounds weird
a sleepless full night begins
thoughts like  bees running away
and morning does not dawn fast 

night wanderer

 night wanderer maybe  it's the end
when everything remains music strange
only a black and white world around
and thoughts running through a tired mind

night wanderer do you know
where life ends and suffering begins
when full moon and wind in the window
brings anxiety to the waiting soul

night wanderer do you  still waiting
of that road and the wanderings
when they are there and you are forgotten here by all
all that was left waiting for freedom 

suicide note

  maybe nothing will come maybe i will come up with everything
but now i'm going through thin ice
i want to get out but the door is not closed

the last cup of coffee and a cigarette
I never thought I would be affected by others
imprisoned in traps I need nothing
just let me finish everything of my own accord

extinct desire to live I'm tired
there is no one to talk to
or he or I is better
decide for yourself I haven't known for a long time 

why i feel lonely

sometimes I feel lonely even though I am surrounded by friends and people …. and it seems like it will never stop, cold faces will continue to surround me. through my illness, I have rejected many people and left behind.

feeling strange, i want to communicate myself but everything bounces on my mind and emotions …. here in the care home i interact with a few friends but i lack communication on higher topics …

I miss friends from Vilnius studio, I miss concerts and tours of the night city, I miss long conversations until morning ….. but it will never come back.

here I feel frozen into the ice of routine, although I am provided with everything and some would envy me but I do not envy strange homes and strange lives. but about that next time.

don’t know (weird emotions)

lately i have been feeling weird and restless. the feeling that my illness is playing with me again.
everything is fine with the neighbor and good enough with friends and the environment. but everything goes into blackness.

but I sometimes feel worse sometimes better but I live and feel

To Be Continued

living library, me, and some night Vilnius