banhammer, virus & my life pt.2

banhammer hitting hard, so my life became harder….. it’s not complaining is more about the freedom that I can’t use. I lost track of the time that we are banhammered but something will change in my country, but not in my house where I live.

I try found positive things in this lockdown but every good thing drowned in my negativism and rolling roof.

I hope that not last forever, and everything gets better and after that banhammer, I can hit the road again

life over rooftop

sometimes I wondering why people can’t understand my mental condition. why they bring me closer and closer to darkness. sometimes they put me on the test, like yesterday with a nurse of night shift……

yesterday I make a call to helpline, because I feel drained and burned out, then she came and we start arguing with one another. now I feel bad and thinking about the ward or make some mistake that shows that I need human touch and I need respect no matter what really happens

tomorrow I need to talk with someone from an authority, or maybe my social worker because now my life is over the rooftop and I think that I can’t survive till tomorrow

yesterday was crash again, and I don’t know how and what I should do next…..

I feel like my emotions and psyche burn again, after strokes a couple of weeks ago I need to change my surroundings or somehow change my attitude toward people and situation that I’m right now

morning over rooftop ( view from my office)

the most beautiful morning

although I only slept for a few hours, the beauty of the morning redeems everything …..
although the neighbors are restless and through me do not sleep any morning music and strange view when it is not night but not yet day …..

I feel like it smells like a birthday and greetings from friends ….. no matter how hard it is, I hope this isn’t my last birthday and the next one will be different already.

two days

I have two days left until my birthday, but I feel like I’m diving into blackness again …..
everything seems so far away and unreal when I can’t see my friends ’eyes in the eye
this whole story makes me worry and feel nothing and nothing like ….. everything I do, mistake after mistake and attempts to survive blackness plunges me further.

i know they take care of me and take responsibility, but i am also human and if all was well with me i would not be at home.

there are two days left before my holiday, I do not want to be sad but to enjoy is not anything ….

# smallworlds

sometimes it seems like quarantine and isolation will never end …. and my madness is getting worse.

everything seems simple and life moves in an old furrow, but sometimes finds itself on very crisp ice.
error after mistake and your world seems to have collapsed
I don’t want to cry because I know the whole world is suffering and isolating but my little world has fallen even further.

I hope it doesn’t last long and I will finally be able to enjoy the freedom that belongs to me

#lockdown playlist

  1. Tim Deluxe “It Won’t Do Without You”
  2. Dual Core “All the Things”
  3. Jahneration x Berywam “Energy” (beatbox cover)
  4. Laffe the Fox “Hyper Trouble”
  5. for KING & COUNTRY “Toghether” (feat. Tori Kelly & Kirk Franklin)
  6. Jahneration “Energy”
  7. Jahneration “Lighters”
  8. Jerome “Light”
  9. Fatboy Slim “Brimful of Asha”
  10. Imagine Dragons “Birds”

Listen on my friend’s site


i invited a few friends, i feel like i can enjoy my birthday again.

a virtual party will also take place, but it is not yet known who will be able to join and when ….. if my friends can’t come to me then we can connect virtually.

I really wanted to at least hear my best friend and helper on hard days – I was very saddened by Inga but what will you do, maybe next time.

and anyway I feel that everything will be fine and I will not be sad without Vilnius and a live meeting.

Birthday party plans

Next week (05.14) is my birthday and I decided to throw virtual party. I miss my friends so I decided that they can visit me.

I try a ZOOM platform…, it’s fast cloud baced solution with some neet function….

Just instal from the site get to know ZOOM, and drop me a comment below and I send you all information.

celebrating life

I celebrate life no matter what it is, sometimes I seem to lose more and more, but everything is in my hands.

I celebrate life with friends who surround me and help me recover from blackness

I am still looking for myself, real and not moving, but life still shows its power. now not one, so I celebrate life no matter what it is and how it is