strange world (desire to escape)

my world is currently full of strange thoughts and strange desires.
I began to fear myself and my actions towards other people again. now I feel like blackness is flooding me again, and for some time now I can do nothing with it.
I was particularly devastated by those four months of isolation when nothing could be done, and it had been going on for some time. at that time I became angry and willing to destroy myself and others. I realized that it was time for me to go to the hospital, although if I survived these days I would live on …
I try to string myself, my world, thoughts, and emotions. I am trying to discover that spark that would lead me on the path of life. that is why I sit by the pond and try to find everything I lack – peace, the