dad’s funeral and other things

it’s hard for me to tame the feeling that my dad isn’t there, it’s hard to realize that the person is buried and the feelings flooded me just at the best time …
a lot of everything, the simple things that bind us now are gone, although I don’t remember there were many of them, but if things were different. if the world would allow me to forgive him and myself.
I was there, and I wanted to sink underground, just, now I need to control myself, and not give up, because I’ve been without a psychiatric hospital for three years now, and for me it’s a lot. i don’t want to go back there but i also don’t want to stay here ….