mystical hammer vr2

— Posted inrants and raves — 1 min read

today my darkest fears and desires came true …. the mystical hammer mode was turned on again and I was the last one to get out to town.
my fear of being left without the freedom of movement came true to the fullest and only one question arises when it will all end.
my mind is full of all sorts of thoughts and anxiety, today almost all day is spent in bed. the painful realization that everything was almost over began to torment my body with pain.

need something to bypass the mystical hammer and not give up.
but I was left without my church, without the land museum, and other places dear to me and what would support me. I don’t know how hard this version of the hammer will be for me, but somehow something will have to be done with it and somehow survive

desire and serenity

— Posted inrants and raves — 1 min read

again I seem to be stuck in an alien reality.
I feel lost and lost my lives which are now only on the computer screen and in the old, cold faces of people

it hurts, I feel my body falling again, and I barely keep the promises I made to myself and others

I get tired of eating the same food, seeing the same people, seeing the same environment ….. I need something to set me free from this lethargy sleep.
but I finally decided to control myself and take care of my feelings and emotions because I think it all depends on me and the blacksmithing of my life. from today I will be the one who will help others and not look at myself.
maybe the day will finally come when I will be calm and able to keep those promises.

BETWEEN HERE AND WHEN (TWO LIVES)

— Posted inrants and raves — 1 min read

I live in a double world, between living in a boarding house and my past.
My life in a boarding house is not always the way I want and can. Life here is more a loss than a discovery…. My communication is limited to a few people with whom I became a roommate after being forced. But both are a kind of experience and a habit for me.

My past – work and emotions were a world where I could live and interact with who I want whenever I want and with whom I want. I liked to hide in the city, the city where everything was mine and me.

I miss my past, and the future – I feel nothing and nothing…. But your future and past, life and survival depend on you, how much and how you will control yourself and discover yourself in the present

NightWalker vs DayDreamer (Night Selection)

— Posted inProjects — 1 min read

This one is special for me…. my first recording ( of many) that is part of WireNight Crew’s Selections…..

Let me present my characters: NightWalker (selected & recorded on #sleeplessnights) and DayDreamer (like you can guess day recordings…..) My favorite topics & music that I select are netaudio and I always looking for different websites and webzines for good and fresh ( interesting ) tracks or albums…

I’m listening

— Posted inrants and raves — 2 min read

I listen to music weird and in my ears, just one question when my dream will end. the music doesn’t leave me weird because I’m still looking for an answer to whether it’s worth living or maybe giving up and not waiting for someone to save you. though 30 minutes or something will come and raise me out of sadness and despair.

I am still drowning in the same mire of self-pity and anxiety and it is hard for me to pull myself out of all this spam again and again …. sometimes all I have left is waiting for me to die because no one seems to need me even myself ….. .and again strange music overwhelms me because I’m tired of being seen as a smart person and I have no right to make mistakes ….

although mistakes and anger overwhelm me from day one, and I get angry when I, as a smart person, have to control my illness while others can do what they want and how they want. although I know I’m not a superhero, but sometimes you’d like all the negative characters to disappear …. and sometimes that organic hatred seems to some people when you barely hear the voice of a “screaming pig” the whole body strains and already bad thoughts spin in your head. and all your goodness and wisdom shall flow through the chimney.

I need peace because of the behavior of some characters I go over thin ice again …. and I feel that what I go through is a desert that I would not envy and envy anyone ….. I don’t know what my disease is or I push myself because I can’t forget yesterday’s physical pain and self-blame ….. and what “screaming pigs” everything went and passed for her ….. and hurt me the most …..

the greatest desire

— Posted inofftopics — 1 min read

the greatest desire to wander around my world again
not feeling the pain of anxiety and despair
see everything with a new eye
where my own warm faces

the greatest desire to rediscover me
try to close the door of the past again and again
feel safe when fate beats
and not see the cold faces of strangers

the greatest desire to be with a loved one
to feel something needed and not be alone
feel her hand in my
and want to get lost in the world together

What do you think of Christ? Whose Son is He?

— Posted inwritings library (eng/lt) — 6 min read

The Bible Answer:
God appeared in the flesh, justified Himself in the Spirit, showed Himself to the Angels, preached to the nations, accepted by faith in the world, was exalted in glory. (1 Timothy 3:16)
This is the true God and eternal life (1 John 5:20).
“Behold, the Virgin in her womb will receive and give birth to a Son, and they will call His name Immanuel, which means: God is with us”. (Holy Gospel of Matthew 1:23)
And fear seized everyone, and they glorified God, saying: A great prophet has risen up between us, and God has visited His people. This opinion of Him spread throughout Judea and all the surrounding area. (Luke 7: 16-17)
For a baby was born to us – a Son was given to us; dominion on His shoulders, and they will call His name: Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Father of Eternity, Prince of Peace. (Isaiah 9: 6)
But the word that you hear is not Mine, but the Father’s who sent Me. (Holy Gospel of John 14:24)
And he who sees Me sees Him who sent Me. (Holy Gospel of John 12:45)
whoever receives Me, receives Him who sent Me … (Holy Gospel of Matthew 10:40)

What to do?
So they said to Him, What should we do to do the works of God?
Jesus answered and said to them: This is the work of God, so that you believe in Him whom He sent. (Holy Gospel of John 6: 28,29)
Truly, truly, I say to you, he who hears My word and believes in Him who sent Me has eternal life and does not come into judgment, but has passed from death to life. (Holy Gospel of John 5:24)
and, leading them out, said: my lords! what should I do to be saved? But they said, Believe in the Lord Jesus Christ, and you and all your house will be saved. (Acts of the Holy Apostles 16: 30,31)
Then Jesus said to the Jews who believed in Him: if you abide in My word, then you are truly My disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free. (John 8: 31-32)
He answered and said to them: My mother and my brothers are those who listen to the word of God and do it. (Luke 8:21)
What you have learned, what you have received and heard and seen in me, do it, and the God of peace will be with you. (Philippians 4: 9)
But he answered and said to him who had spoken: Who is my mother? and who are my brothers? And, pointing with His hand to His disciples, He said: Behold my mother and My brothers; for whoever will do the will of my Father in Heaven, the same is my brother and sister and mother. (Matthew 12: 48-50)
The will of the Father who sent Me is that of what He gave Me, nothing to destroy, but to resurrect everything on the last day.
This is the will of Him who sent Me, that everyone who sees the Son and believes in Him may have eternal life; and I will raise him up on the last day. (Holy Gospel of John 6: 39,40)
Know therefore, all the house of Israel, that God has made this Jesus, whom you crucified, both Lord and Christ.
Hearing this, they were moved by heart and said to Peter and the other Apostles: what should we do, brothers?
Peter said to them: Repent, and let each of you be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins; and receive the gift of the Holy Ghost.
For the promise belongs to you and to your children and to all who are far off, whoever the Lord our God will call.
And in many other words he testified and exhorted, saying: Save yourself from this perverse generation. (Acts of the Holy Apostles 2: 36-40)

Peter’s sermon:
Peter opened his mouth and said: Truly I know that God is impartial,
but in every nation he who fears him and works righteousness is pleasing to him.
He sent a word to the children of Israel, preaching peace through Jesus Christ; This is the Lord of all.
You know what happened throughout Judea, starting from Galilee, after the baptism preached by John:
how God anointed Jesus of Nazareth with the Holy Spirit and power, and He walked doing good and healing all who were oppressed by the devil, because God was with Him.
And we are witnesses of everything that He did in the land of Judah and in Jerusalem, and that at last they killed Him by hanging Him on a tree.
This God raised up on the third day, and made Him appear
not to all the people, but to witnesses, chosen by God, to us, who ate and drank with Him, after His resurrection from the dead.
And He commanded us to preach to people and testify that He is the Judge of the living and the dead determined by God.
All the prophets testify to Him that everyone who believes in Him will receive the remission of sins by His name.
So repent and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out,
may times of joy come from the presence of the Lord, and may He send Jesus Christ, destined for you … (Acts of the Holy Apostles 3: 19,20)

What’s next?
And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in all the world as a testimony to all nations; and then the end will come. (Holy Gospel of Matthew 24:14)
Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved; but whoever does not believe will be condemned. (Holy Gospel of Mark 16:16)

The second coming of Jesus Christ and the resurrection of the righteous and unrighteous:
And they said, Men of Galilee! why are you standing and looking at the sky? This Jesus, ascended from you into heaven, will come in the same way as you saw Him ascending into heaven. (Acts of the Apostles 1:11)
The sun will turn to darkness and the moon to blood before the great and glorious day of the Lord comes. (Joel 2:31, Acts of the Holy Apostles 2:20)
then the sign of the Son of Man will appear in heaven; and then all the tribes of the earth will mourn

I’m afraid and waiting

— Posted inUncategorized — 1 min read

I am afraid and worried that there will be another lockdown and I will not survive either physically or spiritually or morally …..
here is still out of the area of rumors, but there is a possibility that we will be closed again as the number of people infected with the virus increases

I’m scared that my life will continue to be ruined, I can’t guarantee that waves of feelings and emotions won’t take me to the end again.
it’s human when you don’t know what the future holds for you, but I’m even scarier that I will lose my freedom of movement again

I don’t know and I’m afraid – but you never know how it will be next …….. maybe everything is just from the level of rumors.

strange feeling (match)

— Posted inrants and raves — 1 min read

I can’t live without problems, sometimes it seems like other characters are trying your patience, but or really

kick is that sometimes I need to spill on something because sometimes I can’t control my emotions flow.
sometimes it seems like I’m burning with my emotions, sometimes it seems like even medication won’t help.
I need to start working with myself again to learn to bypass, silence, absorb, and spit. I need to re-create the plan as and so that everything is in my favor.

I finally asked the doctor to increase my dose of sleeping pills, and I asked him to remove the sedative for lunch. I don’t want to spoil my life for some poor person and go to the hospital…

let’s see how it goes next, I need to learn a lot while working with myself. maybe the match won’t ignite completely.

commitment or health

— Posted inrants and raves — 1 min read

lately, I’ve barely kept myself from using violence against some characters who seem to be trying my patience. a few days ago I had a conversation with a nurse on duty about my health and voluntary treatment.
but there is another side to this whole thing, a commitment to the organization that is important to me, and I felt bad for not fulfilling what I promised.
but I have been feeling bad for a few days now and I don’t know what is more important than my health or work …..
the doctor was right, before I can choose and go of my own accord I have to do it, although it will be a minus in my social case I will be able and have arguments that I drove off my own free will and no one gave me a “rezo” and forced me to the hospital.

wondering if I could hold on until next Friday or not erupt a volcano and adjust the bomb to explode.

uncertainty

— Posted inrants and raves, Travels — 1 min read

I would really like to see the people of the Living Library live and directly, but there is no way I can decide to ride for me or not …. the other thing without quarantine is that I have no money to travel and I don’t really want to borrow from a bun …..

another thing, I won’t see my “light” Inga, which I haven’t seen live since February when we were at the book fair.

I don’t like to communicate over a computer because I don’t feel the emotion and eye contact of the person you’re talking to, and maybe communicating over a mask wouldn’t impress me either.

I remember when I was in Rūdiškės, I couldn’t get to know people I had seen for a long time, so the decision was made – I will have to communicate online …..

the decision has already been made

somewhere something

— Posted inrants and raves — 1 min read

something has created my life that I can’t call my own, I feel like I can’t know and perceive either myself or my environment.
the drop is that while in a boarding house I attract 90 percent of negative people, and the rest can be counted on the fingers of one hand.

although 9 years have passed, sometimes I call it my home, but in my mind, I go back to my past and the people I wanted and could communicate with. it was my environment that I created for myself …. churches and jazz, a community of people with disabilities and a night city after a gig ….. right now it’s just a memory because that’s what it was, no matter how I wish it would never come back …..

some doors of the past need to be closed, some need to be closed a little, some need to be remembered from a good and positive side. I don’t want to remember my good past with pain, let it warm me up, and give me hope that things will come back again.

illness and sense of necessity (random logic)

— Posted inrants and raves — 2 min read

I want to be needed by someone because then I feel more stable and calmer.
you see, my illness needs to belong to someone. although now I feel more and more vulnerable because there is no purpose, no purpose for something because sometimes even yourself feel unnecessary. and then anything can happen.

so even today my curator at the boarding school helped me and still did not explain to me why she sees in me much more than I can see in myself.

sometimes it seems to me that some people specifically lead me to the limit, even though I know I will be to blame myself if I cross it. “singing pig” “fluff” and “chatter”, reappears characters that I would like to beat, but the border is very fragile ….. and not they would be guilty, but I and everything would go nowhere again.

I draw stupid people around me even though my life there was different. there were people I wanted and could communicate within my mind and understanding. I want to escape from the boarding house because I don’t see the point of having people interact with because everything leads to anger, fights, and other misunderstandings.