open letter to mom (which you won’t read)

— Posted inrants and raves — 1 min read

after our last call, I realized we were out of the way. yes, it seems to you that I don’t understand anything, but now I understand a lot more than it seems to you.
I know my past has been full of wanderings and fights with my father, but blaming me for it is the least weird and I don’t understand it now.
yes, the sisters also bothered me and I admit that maybe it affected their health. question one, or really just from me.

perhaps, my desire to move away from Veisiejai is a childish stubbornness, but the desire for a new life overcomes everything. maybe I will be in worse conditions, but …..

I did badly that we got angry and I promise not to call you more than to communicate with you ….. because I will start blaming myself again and only I will get worse from that ……

understand I will not return to Rūdiškės, and I do not need your money, help, or compassion because whatever you are, my past. the past and not the future.

I still believe

— Posted inrants and raves — 2 min read

in my present world, everything seems lost, closed and abandoned, lonely, and alone. looking forward to better times in a world where there is no hope ….
but I still believe that this whole quarantine affair will not last long, you just have to wait and wait for this whole affair.
I believe I will move quickly to my reality, town, church (which I miss very much) museum, shop, etc. where I could relax from all the bad energy that is in the small boarding house space.

I believe I will finally be able to play my sets to a larger audience, I will be able to reach out to greet strangers. I’m sure it won’t last long, although you’d like it all to end now, at this moment.

I have a computer, a small box to a big world, but it sometimes makes no sense. i have a blog but sometimes it makes no sense. sometimes you want to do nothing and lie in bed, don’t think about swimming anywhere where the current will take you …….

I believe I will be able to break free from this feeling of lethargy. move to Vilnius or Kaunas, I will be able to see friends again because now I feel like on an uninhabited island. and communicating over a distance, not my whim …. I’m sure someday, as long as it takes, I won’t go crazy.

just what I have more left to do is believe, wait, and live “quietly” as it is and what it is …..

I will create

— Posted inrants and raves — 1 min read

I will create for myself freedom that no one will take away from me
I will create for myself a life that no one will influence and control except me.
I will be the best I am, I will not ask for help if I can get around and overcome my problems.
I will create my own environment in which I can be myself and which no one will take away from me.
I will build a system for overcoming isolation and no one will take it away from me. I will wait as long as necessary, I will not think about escaping from the boarding house or other nonsense I will say what I think and no one will take it from me …..

to whom it will concern

— Posted inrants and raves — 1 min read

I know my desires can and will hurt other people. I know this is unrealistic and if there is a problem in me then I am ready not to talk about it anymore.
simply, this desire arose from being tired of being unheard and misunderstood. by the way, and from the kind of my wanderer who already lacks air and adventure and no matter what and who will have problems

I think it’s my childish whim and no matter where you look at it, it would be the same everywhere …. just, in those few weeks I’ve exhausted my limit of good power now it’s time to ruin myself, a time when freedom seems right here, but far together. I feel like I’ve exhausted and exhausted all the power to get rid of those “chatter” and other characters.

I miss the life I have created for myself, I miss the town, the cafe, and the museum ….. because I am imprisoned again, like everyone else, but I see everything too sensitively.

THE PROMISE OF A GOOD LIFE

— Posted inwritings library (eng/lt) — 1 min read

the promise of a good life is locked behind the gates
I don’t know how to stop and not see
all that was left was fools and chatter
want to fall asleep and wake up when it’s all over

I want to experience the road dust on my shoes again
because everything that was left I felt was not mine
freedom near and somewhere far away
knocking on the promise of a good life

I don’t know when it will all end even hard to breathe
although you expect the days to run so slowly
and strange music and a desire to run away
for every dream is far from depressing

scary and restless

— Posted inrants and raves — 1 min read

in my mind anxious and scary, my girlfriend and her roommate are isolated because they had contact with a sick employee …. I even have a hard time thinking about the worst situation … but I have to give in to bad emotions as she doesn’t give up ….. I will try to call and encourage her to make it easier herself …….
hope everything will be better for both me and her

sharing is caring

— Posted inrants and raves — 1 min read

who doesn’t know I have a psychiatric diagnosis and have struggled with it for a long time …. many times in a psychiatric institution until I realized I wouldn’t get over it so easily ….
I realized that my experience is the most valuable asset I can share with others. my experience with hospitals and screams, medication and non-medication, everything is my experience that might help others not make the same mistakes …. maybe other people will be influenced by the media, will realize that sometimes we don’t commit the most heinous crimes and sometimes we become those victims of the crimes themselves. perhaps, in me people will see an intelligent person who has two worlds of “disease” and “healthy,” “black,” and “white” maybe it will help others understand that I don’t need pity, but I need understanding.

the fact that I’m sick isn’t a weakness or a focus on attention, just by telling my story I get a peculiar dose of psychotherapy …. and only recently, I understand the meaning of “sharing is caring”

I am grateful

— Posted inrants and raves, writings library (eng/lt) — 2 min read

although I have lost the road dust on my shoes, I am grateful to be able to wait for the rain without getting wet.
however, I am grateful to be mentally stable now (sometimes) and can calmly wait to see what happens next.
I am thankful for the fate that he brought me to Veisiejai where I found my support, the church, the roommates, and everything I lost while wandering.
I am thankful that I am not in a stressful situation where a drinking father has taken me crazy.
I am grateful for the people who test the strength of my character who show me how vulnerable and restless I am at times. so that I can correct my mistakes and learn to survive my personal hells.
I am grateful for the psychologist and psychiatrist, for the medical staff in the boarding house, for the social workers, and for their assistants.
I am grateful for the distant friends who support me and (sometimes) try to understand me. grateful for the sister who left me the only person I still communicate with, even though the rest of the family left me and forgot.

I am grateful for the mother who (I think) undeservedly punished me but now I am in a better situation than they are …. grateful for this mysterious social worker who brought me here.
I am grateful for the lockdown that brought me new feelings, experiences, and creative inspirations …..

now I understand that what my “losses” are is my salvation and salvation because now I don’t know how or what would have happened to me …..

and I am grateful for the wickedness, all I have seen as my abusers …..
thank you

someday it will end

— Posted inrants and raves — 1 min read

I just talked to my friend from Vilnius, but I feel a slight shock that the mystical hammer was introduced so quickly ……
our area of existence was further reduced as we lost our inner courtyard with scaffolding and closed doors.
everything that was important to me – freedom of movement, wandering around the town and its surroundings, suddenly everything under the mystical hammer.
and you don’t know when everything will end, even the employees themselves don’t know ….. but knowing myself, I think I can stand it and do something for myself or others, I hope I don’t have to …..

point A – it was different, you almost knew when it would all end, this point A, it seems to me that there will be no beginning and no end ………….. I don’t know if I will endure, but I have to prove to myself and others that I am not a psychic, and I can continue to survive under any circumstances ……