rodent

— Posted inrants and raves — 1 min read

during my journey, I saw what now does not give me peace and peace of mind.
it’s my dad who doesn’t get out of alcohol and it makes me sad.
you see, he no matter what he is my blood and soul, I saw and became so grievous and anxious to me.

I know I can’t do anything and protect him, after all, knock it out of his head but it’s hard and not easy for me …. although I know he uses alcohol because he likes it.
he’s old and if I lose him I’ll feel bad, even thinking about suicide and maybe it’s his choice, but it doesn’t allow me to completely close the door of his past.

today

— Posted inrants and raves — 1 min read

today I decided to put myself in the hands of another person. today my girlfriend and I decided to try to live together. I am afraid of my disorder that she may suffer because I never wanted her to see me in my worst moments
she’s my little doctor because when she’s next I feel happy calm and in need of something
I take risks – to be open and vulnerable, to be in my good and bad conditions …..
but not I chose and she chose me, I feel accountable for her … don’t get me wrong, I love my little kitten and the further I go the more I need her to be around.

being together will make me personally stretch, both physically and spiritually and emotionally. I will need to learn a lot of new things. but I don’t know if there will be enough strength and desire, although it’s worth a try ……

Druskininkai Vilnius Trakai Rudiskes

— Posted inTravels — 1 min read

traveling to oneself

— Posted inTravels — 2 min read

today I realized that I had to make this trip to Vilnius, Trakai, and Rūdiškės.
now that I was at home I realized that what was happening (happening) with my father was his personal affair. yes, I apologized and said I don’t want to lose it, but blaming myself and looking for the mistakes of the past is a pointless thing.

sure, it was hard to see how he was going crazy and not realizing his reality, it was hard to realize that he was digging a pit for himself ….. of course, I did what I had to do a long time ago …… but it was a journey in the line of memories
Vilnius all the time different, sleepless moving, full of movement and memories that take you further … further to those places you know and know …. all-day almost on your feet. tired even now I can not get used to the slowness and simplicity of Veisiejai.

Trakai the city that recovered hardly knew him, although there are many memories and emotions here as well. a walk from the bus station to the castle caused me a pity that I might not return here again …. I lived in a quiet place near the lake, but the children did not allow me to rest …..

I do not regret that I had to quarantine after the trip, even though I was stuck by Monday, but the trip itself was worth it and the memories it caused

stagnant moment

— Posted inrants and raves, writings library (eng/lt) — 1 min read

when I was isolated after my failed journey, I began to discover myself, began to capture frozen moments, and recognize who I am and what I am.
today is a night full of thinking and everything that happened to me then has its meaning and essence, I miss my gang. although everything must have happened that way.

sometimes it seems that the world has stopped and you really stopped. in their quest and loss. in his creation and rest, in everything. today I realized that there are those I care about and who cry for me, I realized that everything is destined, God, destiny, karma I do not know anything, but you are spinning in the orbit of other people.

you spin to understand and discover, you get angry and suffer, you laugh and cry …..
through isolation, I miss people and realized even though I can live alone and I like it, my world will never be what it was, it is already different and I am really thinking about change or a different life again

AFTER QUARANTINE IN BOARDING HOUSE

— Posted inrants and raves, Travels — 1 min read

I’m sorry I didn’t get the money for the trip, and I had to quarantine… ..

but I lived alone and felt good enough to be alone. I had my own “magic box” and was not sad – movies, music, what more do I need… ..

but there was a lack of going out and smoking whenever you wanted, there was a lack of people and unlocked doors. now my head hurts, I missed people and communication, but finally I’m free… ..

a test was done at the heat clinic yesterday, and today I got a negative (virus-free) response, and I finally showed up in my room, with my friends. maybe the trip was not ready and prone but I gained experience again that will benefit me.

tell me what awaits me next

— Posted inTravels — 1 min read

tomorrow is the day when a lot will come out, you just have to decide how and where to move on.
to meet mom anyway will not come out, and it will only be spending money in the wind, need to seize the opportunity or others may or may not be. and would like to ventilate the boarding house anyway

you see, there are a lot of strangers so I can make decisions here and now …..
although the request has already been written for this Monday, although it has been rayed and for Saturday, it is just a spoil of the paper and the hot weather, and the financial problems do not give me peace of mind.

to keep some money in the envelope, and when everything is clear, move …. but still nothing is clear …..

impressions from a virtual trip

— Posted inTravels — 1 min read

the first test of our virtual tour, I think passed well ….
indeed I am happy to have been able to participate, albeit in a virtual one, but my drive has always been a live communication

although there have been minor technical glitches on my part, I will be more prepared next time
after two hours of conversation, I felt tired but happy, like all the time in the living library …. one person at a time.

but the idea itself came from our project coordinators, and now I won’t have to quarantine and test (at least until next time).
grateful to my assistants, who nevertheless gave me the “hands and feet” which I needed a little to take a break from the tense conversations.

thank you all

SVENCIONYS, Here I Go :-)

— Posted inKLAnet, Projects — 1 min read

I really wanted to contribute to the Living Library in Švenčionys …. one vacancy has appeared, so far this is just a plan, but although I will be able to contribute to the project virtually ….

it’s just a plan and a test, tomorrow the coordinator will call to arrange all the details and maybe we will succeed. and I will be able to contribute virtually to things to come.
in addition, there will be no quarantine and spend a week locked, and unable to leave ….

about other things a little later

submissive and vigilant

— Posted inUncategorized — 1 min read

sometimes I wonder why there are two different types of people in this world, some called “surrendered” and others called “vigilant” I think I will never jump with a knife asking for medication no matter how hard I am and how much I am sick.
but remembering the “broken musician” he gave up, danced with a knife against an innocent doctor who didn’t give him medicine, although I don’t believe he was in pain, he sat more on the painkillers …… and he came back to do his order again and everything can happen again …. and I’m afraid he can attack his boarding colleagues so unpredictably.

and again the system did not work as it did all the time.

and I have to be “vigilant” to take care of myself and my illness. I have to play a positive character, and dive myself into my illness …. and if I behaved like that as a “broken musician” I would immediately get what belongs to me.

the system always works at that angle and those who really need help they will never get it or will get fucked off

organic hatred (then and now)

— Posted inrants and raves — 2 min read

the first time I started to feel that feeling was the howling of my drunken father in pain and despair. then I realized I had to run away or I would kill my father. it was so strong that it was hard for me to control and manage my situation and feelings ….
then I wandered around Lithuania and Europe and when there was no money left i had to go home. and there he lived again in the same situation, and again all over again ….. then a fight, which I do not remember all and everything, a psychiatric hospital. and all over again …..

all that feeling has been renewed again lately …. organic hatred has reappeared in the boarding house, a place I would like to escape from so that I don’t feel that feeling again.
again a cabin of three people doing everything the other way around, and up to my spiritual and emotional level for them far away (I don’t boast but I feel that way). “broken musician”, “singing pig” and “fluff”, let’s call them that ….. I can’t avoid them, I can’t get around them, and anyway, all I’m trying to do is bounce into some weird desire to re-educate them ……

the hot feeling of that organic hatred seems to overcome but it repeats again and will probably repeat …..
but about it next time.
To Be Continued

today

— Posted inrants and raves — 1 min read

today I realized that it all depends on me and my approach to life situations. today I realized that there will be forces that will resist your good mood and emotions …..

while living in the boarding house I started to feel organic hatred again, to people and events that started to annoy me again ….. and sometimes it seems that you will have problems for yourself ….. problems for yourself and others.
although there is one character who can do anything, swear, humiliate other people, even if I had acted like this for a long time I would have been locked up in a psychiatric hospital.

and again, the question arises as to why some can do anything, while others have to listen to the workers and follow the rules like dogs with their ears clasped.

sometimes you want to go outside, you want to spit on everything and not think that you have to be a positive character…
sometimes you want to get drunk, sometimes you want to mess with something …. sometimes you just want to forget everything